My Immortal

I love this song by Evanescence. The lyrics always hit me hard and especially now. I've found out recently that often times there are wounds that regardless of how much time you give them, they never seem to heal. There are certain people who will always steal all the breath from your body. And there are certain periods of time that you will never forget-no matter how hard you try. This song reminds me of that. I just wish everything I just said wasn't true. (BTW- those two cute guys I'm standing in between.....dad and big bro. Two men I can always count on.)

C

'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave' Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

Aliases

One thing about working in radio is very often, the person you are talking to is not the person you are talking to.

Case in point, you can have a deejay who's real name is something like Charlie South. Now, that isn't the world's best on air name now, is it? So Charlie decides to make a better image for himself he's going to change it. Now if he were in a country format he might go for something like "Chuck" or "Shane." If he were in the alternative market he might swing toward "Alex", "Dex" or "Ian." Adult Contemporary he'd want something that rolls off the tongue. Maybe "Shawn South" or some other name that fits in well with alliteration. Now for a rock station he wanted something a little more hardcore like "Drummer" or something to that effect. But he'd want it to be something memorable.

Now in addition to creating his own name, he would then work on making a persona to go along with it. Now this is where it gets confusing. So let's say he goes by "Rustic Chuck" on the most popular country station in the market. (aka-the most listened to country station in the city.) Now, when you bump into him at the station building he's most likely to do a few things. He could either A) introduce himself as "Rustic Chuck" and only answer if addressed as "Rustic Chuck" B) introduce himself as "R.C" when listeners are around but then talk to others as "Charlie" or C) conduct himself as "Charlie" at the station but when he goes to on air remotes off site then refer to himself as "Rustic Chuck" The question then rises, who is he and what is he? Should you call him "Chuck" or "Charlie"? And what does he call himself? Because at the end of the day, whatever and whoever he is on air, he still goes home as "Charlie South."

That raises another question, how did he get the name "Rustic Chuck" anyways? You'd be surprised how some people come up with their names. Some don't have a choice. They are hired to be a deejay on a station and that station tells them, "You will now be known as.....fill in the blank." Some are able to come up with their own names and carry them from station to station. What I've noticed recently is some deejays keep their first names and give themselves a different last name for their on air work. For example, if your first name was "John" and your last name was "Peterson" or something like that-you may go by "John Smith" or "Johnny Appleseed" or something to that effect. Make sense?

Then there's me. My friend and I were teasing the other night about how I should have an on air name. (Even though I really have no aspirations to be on air. It's fun the handful of times I've done it, but I wouldn't make a career out of it. Besides, I'm just the "cute" distraction if you were. Anyways, we were throwing names around and I suggested "Tess." She replied that I didn't look or sound like a "tess." So I mentioned it to one of my friends at work and he suggested I just keep my regular name as it is so unique anyway. I guess that my name will come in time. I'll keep you "posted" no put intended. HA!!!

Oh btw-happy turkey day and GO UTES!!

C

What We Want

So for years I prayed and prayed for the same thing and for years and years I felt like I never received an answer to that prayer. Now I can honestly say that perhaps I recevied an answer a long time ago, it just took me awhile to recognize it. We don't always get what we want. But maybe, just maybe, we get something better. A very good friend turned me onto the "apologize" by One Republic. Now many people have heard the Timbaland version which is good but I prefer the sound of the original. It's one of those songs I can listen to again and again. My friend and I were talking about that the other day. The interesting to me is that many times those songs I listen to repeatedly have some kind of deeper meaning. The reason they hit me so hard is because there is something in either the lyrics, the music or the way the singer performs that I can relate to, that I can emphasize with. So what is about this song that drew me to it?

Maybe that is another answer I won't understand until I travel forward through life. But for now I am sticking to my realization. We don't always get what we want. Many times, we get something better.

C

Mother Nature's Little Miracles

It's amazing to me what a little fresh air can do for a person. you can be having the worst day on record, stare at the huge pile of bills piling higher and higher on your kitchen counter; toss and turn on your bed because you're too stressed to sleep or simply want to pull your hair out- then you take one step outside, take a deep breath and let the sun envelope you in its bright and warm rays. You turn your head and notice the deep reds, lemon yellows and shining oranges falling from the cold and shivering tree branches. You walk over to the pile of leaves scattered along your yard and driveway. Just for kicks, you bend down and pick one up with your hand, turning it over and over. Then, you shake your head..."screw it." and fall into the pile, letting the leaves fall on top of you as you close your eyes and feel the cool autumn breeze tickle your skin.

Wow. I am feeling better already.

"You look nice...."

Isn't it interesting that when you try to look cute no one really notices? Or when you go out of the way to make yourself up the person who's attention you're trying to get doesn't pick up on the fact? Or, perhaps the most interesting thing of all...when you change something to your appearance and people actually DO notice. So it leads me to the question, do we change hair styles, hair colors, eye colors (contacts), clothes, shoes, lipstick shades...whatever....do we change ourselves for ourselves or for other people? I mean, do we need other people's approval to like the way we look or to feel good about ourselves? Do we need the satisfaction of knowing other people are looking? Or can we be happy with how we look to ourselves and not give a darn what other people think? That's not to say we don't appreciate the compliments. And we are happy to return the compliments in full. But it's something to look at. Instead of attempting to live up to a societal ideal, can't we simply live up to our own ideals and be happy with that? Can't we accept ourselves for who we really are and accept others for who they truly are? Why does hair color, designer shirts and the price tag on our vehciles determine our place and position in certain social circles? I am not saying I mind being complimented. I just think it wouldn't hurt to take a step back and make sure one doesn't rely to heavily on compliments. At the end of the day, you have to go to sleep with yourself. And if you don't like the reflection staring back at you....there isn't enough make-up in the world to change that. Just something to think about. And yes, for those of you reading between the lines....I got a hair cut yesterday. (LOL.)

Men and the Women Who Deal with Them

I do not understand men. It doesn't matter if you marry them, date them, live with them, grow up with them, work with them, love them, hate them or simply put up with them....we will never understand them.

Now I don't have to worry about the marry them part as of yet, but I do deal with the live with them (father and brother), work with them (I think there is a higher number of men in my current workplace then women), and a little of both love them and put up with them. But the one thing that always frustrates me is the date them part. Or even the "I like you, you like me but we aren't dating right now and neither one of us can give a good, solid reason as to why that is."

Then, there is the whole "mixed signals" guessing game. The "oh, he looked at me, does that mean he likes me?" Or "he commented on how cute I look today, is that flirting?" Or "he touched my hand....or is that considered more of a brush?" Or "He didn't talk to me at all today. Is he mad at me or something?" And the old favorite "Does he like me or does he LIKE me like me?" The day they print up a guide book to the male sex and the ins and outs of their brain is the day I may finally be able to say "I get it!"

Until then....I guess I just have to live in confusion, frustration and adoration for awhile. At least it keeps life-what's the word-interesting.

Direction Smooth I Am Not

So I don't know about the rest of you, but it took me a few years to navigate around my neighborhood, the maze I like to call downtown, the east bench and the valleys to the west. But, I am at an old enough age that I should be able to find a Cafe Rio located at 3300 South and 3000 East for a co-worker's birthday lunch.

Well, first I missed the exit for I-80 so I thought to myself, "I'll just get off at 3300 South and work my way east." Well, I missed that exit too. So I drove further south to the 215 junction and headed east. Well, of course being direction suavy I got off one exit too soon. So, I figure-okay I'll just find 3300 South and work my way over. Well, apparently there are plenty of one way streets, residential areas and long winding roads in that part of the valley. 30 MINUTES LATER-I finally find a stop light and get to where I'm going. ARGH!!!

Then again, I probably am the only person who can drive circles around downtown Salt Lake.

(Sunday, October 14) My best friend and I went to Lagoon yesterday. I find it amazing that after close to 90 years, people still go to Lagoon every year. I mean, we are such a technological society-you wouldn't think a wooden roller coaster, hand carved carousel, old school pirate ship and g-rated haunted houses would draw that many people. But apparently there is something about the place that brings families, friends, ward mates, co-workers and school students together. Of course, having a new ride that sends you straight up at 60 miles an hour in three seconds probably helps.

The only downside to Lagoon still being popular after so many years is the long lines of people. My friend and I got there at 6:00 and four hours later we rode seven rides and sat through one chainsaw/vampire song and dance show. Now, I'm not sure whether that is typical wait/ride time ratio but then again, compared to Disneyland, it isn't that bad.

Next year though, if that crazy clown with the demented mask gets any where near me, we're gonna have issues!

C

Harry Reid at BYU

I amused myself today by reading some of the comments on both The Salt Lake Tribune and Deseret Morning News web pages regarding Harry Reid's speech at the campus of Brigham Young University. It is interesting to me that many people cannot accept someone being Mormon and being Democrat. I understand it from both perspectives and here is my two cents.

I have been a member of the LDS church all my life and will continue to be until the day I die. I have also been a member of the Democratic party for years. I agree with them on social programs to help the poor and the elderly, protection of the environment, stances on public education, gun control and the war in Iraq. I also agree with them on two issues that often turn member of my religion to the opposite political party. However, I lean to the left on these two issues not because I completely agree with the Democrats, but because I believe more in their side.

Issue #1- Abortion. Now the LDS church came out a few years ago and stated that in certain cases abortion could be considered an option. Not that it should be the first option, but it could at least be considered. These cases included rape, incest and if the mother's life was in jeopardy. I follow that statement with this addition. It is not my place to go into a woman's life and a woman's family and tell her what decisions she should make. If a friend was in a precarious situation and was looking at options, I would definitely steer her toward adoption instead. However, in the end it is her choice to make and not mine. Therefore, I am pro choice. Not pro abortion but pro choice.

Issue #2- Gay Marriage. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. My church teaches that and I agree. However, I do not agree with a federal amendment to the constitution that emphasizes that. One of my best friends in the world is gay. I first met him when Amendment 3 was on the ballot here in Utah. I could not vote for that amendment and then look my friend in the eye and say, "I'm sorry. You're not entitled to the same rights as me. You're just not as important." I couldn't do that and I will never do that. I feel that gays and lesbians deserve some of the rights of marriage (inheritance, visitation rights, insurance, etc.) without the legal certificate. Now like I said, I do have strong beliefs in the sanctity of marriage. But, I also believe that everyone is entitled to the same rights as individuals, regardless of sexual preference. So I am a firm supporter of civil unions.

I personally applaud Harry Reid for his speech down at B.Y.U. and for everything he is doing in the Senate for our country. Now am I going to get a lot of flack for that....yes. But, like I said, I have never had a point in my life where I felt my religious beliefs and my political beliefs infringed on each other. So I will continue to fight and stand up for them both.

C

Creative Process in Progress

My family and I saw "Paint Your Wagon" tonight up at Pioneer Theatre. During intermission I walked around out in the cool, crisp October air staring at the stars, the trees and the dark navy sky above me. As I was walking, a few lines starting playing in my head, song lyrics if you were. Normally, I always carry a writing utensil with me and a small note pad so as words pop into my head I can plot them down on paper. However, I kept replaying the lyrics over and over in my head during the second act of the show so I wouldn't forget them. When we made it back to the car, we sat in the parking lot for almost 20 minutes as I wrote my poem down on one of the pages of my program.

I've written close to 1000 poems over the past 10 years. Often times I try and make a character for the song I'm writing. Who are they? What is their name? What do they look like? Where do they come from? And most importantly- what do they want to say? I love telling stories and sharing a side of the world that perhaps people either fail to see or just fail to recognize. There's a reason why I earned a degree in journalism. I love using my words to tell the stories of other people. What's great about song writing is that I can create whatever character I want and tell whatever story I want. Now, I just need to find someone to help me write the music.

So on that note here is my latest creation, hot off the presses, for your reading enjoyment.

Catch you on the flip side.

C

"What they say makes perfect sense, but I can't seem to wrap my head around it
Suddenly I'm on defensive even as I've finally found it
So much more for me to see, so much more for me to learn
And I've been waiting patiently, as the whole world takes its turn
When will it be my turn? Can't it be now?
Now that I've met you, now that I love you, how can I let you go?
Now that I know you, now that I"m holding you, how can I let you go?
Never understood how a night could last a lifetime
Shows how much I really don't know
Or how a day could seem to never have an ending
Tell me where does the time go?
Now that I adore you, no one else before you, has ever made me feel this way
Now that my life has finally begun, do I just throw it all away
Now that I love you, now that I love you
Never dreamed that a night could last a lifetime
And though there isn't much to show
When I awake in the morning
My heart and soul will already know
That now that I adore you, no one else before you, has ever made me feel this way
Now that my life has just begun, must I throw it all away
Now that I love you, now that I love you

Now that I love you, I will never let you go"

Don't Like The Weather in Utah...Wait 15 minutes...

did anyone else notice that our weather system seems to be bipolar? Mother Nature can't decide if she wants it to be fall or winter. I wore a short sleeved shirt to work at the beginning of the week and am now in warm ups and a sweatshirt trying to keep myself warm. It' s like I tell my family from out of state...don't like the weather? Wait 15 minutes and watch Mother Nature change her mind....again.

Though plus side my Utes won! (Speaking of being bipolar....we can beat Louisville and UCLA but are shut out by UNLV? Are you kidding me?)

I have to make a plug for this hilarious video my boss showed me from You Tube. It's called "The Mom Song" and it's a stand up comic (LIVE) putting everything a mother says in a day into a 3 minute song to the William Tell Overture. Go to You Tube and plug "the Mom Song" in the search window. Then sit back, relax and let yourself laugh for a few minutes. Regardless of how busy or stressful your life might be, you can allow yourself 5-10 minutes to stretch your mouth muscles. (it takes fewer to smile than frown you know.)

Another reason I love You Tube is the music videos. I have become somewhat of a country girl (and no...my place of employment has absolutely nothing to do with it! LOL) So lately I've been checking out SugarLand, Brian McComas, Jamie O' Neal and my new favorite Luke Bryan. You may have heard his song "All My Friends Say" but if you really want to laugh listen to the lyrics of his song 'Country Man.' It almost makes me want to go out and lasso a cowboy of my very own.

So today's post is a bit random but it's also a little past midnight and I am tired. I am so glad it's FRIDAY!!!!! PARTY TIME!!!!! Which of course means ice cold ROOT beer in the backyard while the college football plays on the television in the kitchen. Any takers???

At some point, I'll feed you all some of my poetry and see what you think. Till then........mischief managed. (Brownie points if you can identify the book series that's from.)

C

First Time's A One Time Feeling...

So i haven't posted a blog since I was a "Claymate" way back when.....and those blogs weren't that funny or that popular. So, on that happy note.....

My life isn't that interesting at the moment....I wake up, go to what's probably one of the funnest jobs ever, when the day is done I hop from one social engagement to another, audition for musicals and special events, go to church every Sunday and somewhere in the midst of that have an ever emerging social life. I can't complain...except for the fact that I get tired extremely easily.

So what about the abovementioned should anyone care about? Well, how about the funnest job ever being at a radio station? You wouldn't believe some of the stories I could share. Then again, I did work in a restaurant for three years...and the stories I could tell you from there....

So that's what I'll keep you entertained with. Also, I'll throw in some stories of keeping yourself single when the majority of your friends have now graduated from bridal showers and weddings to baby showers and birthdays for their adorable one-year-olds. Then there's the idea of staying single when you feel like an old maid at the ripe old age of 2......something. We'll throw in some Showtunes and some political tidbits and call it good.

Well, that wasn't that difficult....maybe I'm getting the hang of this....