The Three V Words - dun dun dun

There are three “v” words which in our culture can either make or break you- especially if you are a female of the prominent religion.  If you don’t possess these three “v” words- often times you are ostracized, de-moralized and downsized. Apparently these three “v” words determine your self-worth, your self-identity, your self- esteem, your self-confidence and your self-image. These three “v” words are the breath of life- and if you lose even one of them before you are “supposed” to- your life as you know it is over.

However- this often isn’t the case in regards to men in this culture. Often times, men can lose one of these three “v” words and not face the same kind of obstacles, consequences or even social stigma. In some bizarre cases, it actually helps promote them and pump them in certain social circles. Perhaps it just isn’t looked at the same way in males as it is in females?  This could also correlate to why often times clothing standards seem much stricter for girls rather than boys?  Of course the stereotypical, determined masculinity of men and the over promoted femininity of girls is a topic for a completely different blog in and of itself.  Does it make a man any less of a man to wear a dress or put makeup on? Does it make a girl any less of a girl for wearing pants or having a buzz cut hair cut? But- I digress.

There were two instances these past few days which made me think of these three “v” words in a different fashion. Though actually, it just reinforced my opinion of these words and the impact they make on our society- whether for good or bad.  It also reminded me, sadly, some things never change- regardless of how many years pass. And that is a frightening and worrisome thought.

One of my best friends- the summer before our senior year in high school- revealed something to me. at first, I was shocked. Looking back, I’m ashamed that was my initial reaction- but at the time, it was the first emotion my body left me feel. Then I was afraid, worried and concerned for her. Would she be able to finish out our senior year? Would she be able to graduate high school? Would she be able to go on to college and do all the things we had talked about doing once we “grew up?” After a day or two, I realized something- and this has stayed with me ever since. Nothing she had done and nothing she would ever do would change the fact she was and still is- one of my best friends. She didn’t change one bit in my eyes. She was  still the wonderful and caring and thoughtful and kind friend she had always been- and if anything- I could now be the strength and courage she had always supplied me. I loved her for who she was and who she helped me to be. And I was there for her every step of the way. (Side note- not only did she walk with us later that year, she went on to get a double major, lives on her own and has had a good paying and steady job for the past few years.All the while, raising an incredible and amazing son.)  I noticed something though throughout the course of the school year. People, who up until then I thought had been her friend, suddenly had different views and different things to say about her once they found out.  Many times, people refused to even talk about her, as if she just disappeared off the face of the planet. Others thought it was their duty to let people know the decisions she had made in her life- as if they were the perfect and impartial judges on “good behavior.” Others- who I later found out were actually making some of the same “decisions” themselves- stood on their soapboxes and decried her behavior- pointing out she wasn’t a member of the prominent religion and that somehow made her actions make sense.  All of it just made me sick to my stomach.   What angered me the most though- was this idea many people had in their head of my best friend’s worth. Somehow, because of one decision she made in her life, suddenly she wasn’t as good as some of these other people. Somehow, she wasn’t on the same playing field- wasn’t worth the same.

Fast forward a few years- I’m still close friends with that girl and I still love her to pieces. I have met and become friends with many other people in my journeys- some theatre related, some media related, some pageant related, some sports related, some politics related, some volunteer related- the list can go on and on. Each person has their own journey, their own story, their own melody to share with the world. Some of them made similar choices in their life as my best friend did- and you know what? Doesn’t change how I see them or how I treat them at all.  I had one person make kind of a big deal about it- “try not to focus on the math so much.” You know what? It doesn’t matter to me. In my eyes, you don’t lose your self- worth or your self- image because you made that decision. We all make decisions which may not be the wisest.  We all have detours on our journeys which take us places we weren’t expecting.  But last time I checked, it is only those “without sin” who are told they can cast the first stone.   Besides, I’m pretty sure more people have at least thought about if not done some of these “decisions” than would have other people think.  And you know what? It’s really no one else’s business.  It’s between you and God.  Now filter warning= I’m about to say something which may upset some people- so if what I’ve been talking about to this point makes you uncomfortable- you may want to skip the next paragraph.  (Though by doing so- you are kind of helping make my point.)

I honestly don’t think you are any less of a good person, any less of a decent person, any less of child of God- if you lose one of those three “v” before the time you are “supposed” to. And I think you can still have values (one of the three v words) even if you make that “decision.”   You don’t lose your own value in the process.  Some of the best people I know, the strongest people I know, the sweetest people I know, the kindest people I know- made that “decision” before they were married. Some of them still aren’t married at all. And I don’t see them any differently for it. I don’t treat them any differently for it.  Again, who are to judge another when we walk ourselves imperfectly? (Thank you LDS Hymnbook.) And I also think you can be “virtuous, lovely, of good report and praiseworthy”- even if you don’t have your personal “virtue” anymore. (The second “V” word.) Because I like to think of virtue of more than just chastity- it’s also being true to yourself, true to what you believe, true to your own heart. It’s being kindly to others, treating them with respect and love and trying to be the best you can possibly be. If you want to put “morally clean” in that list- you can. But I don’t think people (of either gender) suddenly become these ugly, germ invested vultures when they “lose” their virtue.  I think that image and that idea is part of the reason why the topic is never talked about or discussed. The sense of shame and self-loathing- you are meant to feel like the scum of the earth or some slug who barely has enough sense of self to even lift its slimy head off the sidewalk.

Now- I also know there are steps some have to take in regards to making that “decision” and a process people should follow (if they are of the prominent religion.)  SPOILER ALERT- I have had to take some of those steps myself.  Yet, does that sense of self-loathing go away? Does that sense of “am I still a good person?” go away? Apparently not- if even to this day- I have someone telling me to “not do the math” that closely.  If it was that long ago- it doesn’t even matter now. And even if it was just last week- again-why should we treat people any differently just because they have “sin differently than we have?” and not everyone sees the “decision” as a sin- but stick with me here for a minute.  If you found out- regardless of your spiritual background or belief system- that you’re best friend wasn’t a (third v word) virgin anymore- would that matter to you? Would you treat them differently? Would you look at them differently? Would it bother you? Would it not make any kind of a difference? Would you stop being friends with them? Would you realize your friendship is stronger than anything? What would YOU do?

I’ve been on both sides of this- both with having a best friendtelling me- and with me having to tell my best friend.  And I shudder to think if any of the people I love and care for maybe felt the same way when I told them as I first did when my best friend told me more than 10 years ago. And sadly, I did lose some people in my life when they found out. But you know what? It strengthened in me this idea that maybe value and virtue are more than just “waiting until marriage.” That you can be a good person, you can be a good friend and you can have a good heart and soul even if someone has “known” you.  You can know enough about who you are and what your worth is to know it won’t change- regardless of your “status” in that regard. Do I parade around and shout it from the rooftops? No.  But if someone asks me, I’ll tell them the truth.  I don’t want to be recognized as (insert any offensive adjective for a “girl like that” here)- because I’m not. I don’t want to be criticized for my decision not to wait. It was a personal decision- just like for some of my other friends- it was a personal decision for them. And I don’t want to be ostracized because I made a decision someone else may not have.  Because I don’t want to be treated any differently because of my past- I won’t and will continue to not treat people differently because of theirs.  All of us are human-and ALL of us have great worth in the sight of God, and in the sight of our fellow men.  And in the sight of ourselves- which sometimes is the hardest person to convince.
 

So- now that you know what the three “v” words are- I’ll ask one more time. If someone you know and love told you they didn’t possess one or all three of these- how would you feel? What would you do? For me- I don’t even think about it. My friends are my friends- my family is my family- and I love them all. I hope others can say the same.

questions on love, marriage and the identities we carry into them

The past few weeks allowed me to witness various events and circumstances which showcased different aspects and angles of “love.” I saw history happened before my eyes on October 6. I saw horrific and hideous acts by a person “in love” in a movie on October 7. I saw happiness and holiness from a brand new love on October 11.  And in the days following- I’ve seen my heart and head change their perspectives and reflections on “love.”

Throughout all of this- I keep having various questions pop up regarding who we are as individuals- who we are as a couple- who we are as a family.  These questions can apply to any relationship- whether you are single, married, co-inhabiting, dating, friends, exes, straight, non-straight  or just wondering around the world looking for the next adventure or even conquest.

Who are we- in both the light and the dark? Are we true to who we are regardless of the people we surround ourselves with? Are we true to ourselves regardless of what circumstances we end up in- whether or not by our own choosing? Are we true to ourselves both as we get to know people- and after we “know them like a book?” As we get to know people- do we show them our true selves- or the self we think they want to see? Do we show them our dark sides and our hidden sides or do we keep those things shelved until we perceive they like us- love us- want to be with us? And when that moment comes- do we ever bring those darker sides of ourselves to the surface? And when that same moment arrives- how do we truly decide this person is who we want to be with- not just in a temporal sense but a spiritual sense as well? How do we decide if this person will be the best fit for us? Will be the best ying to our yang? The best person to raise a family with- if that is the common desire? The best person to face life’s challenges with? The best person to cry with- laugh with- fight with-make up with- live with and ultimately die with? And once we decide yes this person is who we want all those things with- what happens when things change? And things WILL change.

What happens when you both lose your jobs or one person is supporting both? Or you both work but are living paycheck to paycheck? Or you lose the lease on your apartment- or the mortgage on your house? Or one person’s car breaks down- or is impounded or gets stolen? What happens when traits and quirks you used to find charming and adorable suddenly become irritating and annoying? What happens when things you used to just laugh about become things you shout and scream about? What happens when ideals and fundamentals you thought you shared turn into uncompromising positions and stand-offs? What happens when prior approved timelines for kids or pets or jobs or school are suddenly turned topsy turvy but other life events?  What happens when you feel you can finally be yourself- only to have the other person find that “real you” unattractive or unattainable or unresponsive or uncaring. But what if it was never the “real you?” What if the whole time you met, courted, dated, married, lived and loved together- you never actually showed your “real side?” Because what if your “real side” is simply the perception society made of who you are supposed to be- who the masses WANT you to be- who you should be made to be?

A lot of questions- but ones I think everyone needs to think about- or just look at during some point in their life. Because often times you hear the expression “you can’t find the right one until you are the right one.” Now- someone extremely close to me who means more to me then the entire world- would say in this instance “there is no such thing as the right one. It doesn’t exist.” And perhaps this person is right. I don’t think there is exactly ONE person who is the perfect fit for us. Or exactly ONE person who would be “right” for us. I think it is possible to be happy with anyone and to have a perfectly happy life with anyone. However- while I don’t believe in “soul mates” in the romantic sense of the word- I do believe the person we choose to marry and spend our lives with- in whatever form- is the person who will make us the “happiest” and will be the “right and perfect” balance for us in that point in our life. And as time goes on- and experiences happen- and life happen- that balance will be tested and tried and stretched to its upmost limit.  And in some cases- again whether by our own choosing or not- that balance will break. The relationship will break. The family will break. The bond will break. The heart and soul will break.  And in some cases-  you are able to find another person who again fits that “balance” for your life- at that point.  And in some cases- the balance strengthens and empowers and weathers everything life throws at it. It becomes a bond so powerful and so meaningful and so strong- nothing can stop it or ever diminish it.  50 years later- a couple can look back and possibly say “yes, there were other people who could have made me happy- there were other people who may have treated me differently= loved me differently.” But- when you look back at your life- at the people in your life- the decisions in your life- the love in your life- would you want to change it? Would you want to have seen it play out differently? Would you wanted to possibly have a family with someone else? Go through all the trials with someone else? Grown into the person you are today with someone else? Been on the journey with someone else?

I watched several couples- many who have waited years- come together for the first time and legally call themselves “husband and husband” or “wife and wife.” Their love and their bond and their commitment lasted through what some would call “hell” and after patience and long suffering and endurance- they received the ultimate expression of loyalty and love to each other. I also watched my brother and now sister express the same loyalty and love to each other- with the additional religious component to add to the joy.  I watched a movie the same week where two people pretended to be someone they weren’t to try and fulfill what they thought the world portrayed as the “perfect marriage.” This lead to both of them hurting the other in physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual ways.  And in the end, after all the drama and pain and anguish and betrayal and manipulation- they still end up together.  

And I also witnessed my own heart- and the feelings and emotions it went through waiting for someone who I love and cherish to come back home.  The feelings of wondering what kind of person I’ve been during the whole process and journey-am I truly being myself or being who I think other people want me to be? Am I loving with everything I have and everything I could ever have- or am I going through the motions and painting a picture of a person who doesn’t truly exist?  Am I treating others in ways which if they were treat me the same- I would feel adored and respected and cherished or simply taken advantage of? Am I choosing the best company to be around or am I simply accepting of specific treatment because it’s always been that way? Do I feel like I am loved the way I “deserve” or the way I’ve earned- or am I loved the way others feel they can love me? Do I love others in the way they “deserve” or the way they have earned it or am I too flippant or casual in my dealings and words?

Again- many questions- many rhetorical questions.  In the end- I saw so much happiness and joy and contentment and fulfillment and optimism and hope the past few weeks. I also witnessed much anger and disappointment and disbelief and confusion and disillusionment.  When it comes to love- they all go together. It’s a matter of finding out what all of both columns you can handle- you can deal with- you can compromise on.  And when you find that out- you’ll know which companion you want to spend your journey with.  Like I said in my FB status earlier- when you find the someone who inspires and desires you, helps you be a better person, makes you feel alive, shows you the joys and beauties of the world and completes you- you’ll know they are the “right person” for you in that moment.  Remember- true love requires compromise, patience, endurance, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, devotion, loyalty, trust, honesty, commitment and unconditional affection.   It takes work- every moment of every day.   There are people who are worth it.  So maybe it’s time to stop asking so many questions- and wondering so many thoughts and worrying so many problems.  Just take a deep breath- and go. J