The past few weeks allowed me to witness various events and circumstances which showcased different aspects and angles of “love.” I saw history happened before my eyes on October 6. I saw horrific and hideous acts by a person “in love” in a movie on October 7. I saw happiness and holiness from a brand new love on October 11. And in the days following- I’ve seen my heart and head change their perspectives and reflections on “love.”
Throughout all of this- I keep having various questions pop up regarding who we are as individuals- who we are as a couple- who we are as a family. These questions can apply to any relationship- whether you are single, married, co-inhabiting, dating, friends, exes, straight, non-straight or just wondering around the world looking for the next adventure or even conquest.
Who are we- in both the light and the dark? Are we true to who we are regardless of the people we surround ourselves with? Are we true to ourselves regardless of what circumstances we end up in- whether or not by our own choosing? Are we true to ourselves both as we get to know people- and after we “know them like a book?” As we get to know people- do we show them our true selves- or the self we think they want to see? Do we show them our dark sides and our hidden sides or do we keep those things shelved until we perceive they like us- love us- want to be with us? And when that moment comes- do we ever bring those darker sides of ourselves to the surface? And when that same moment arrives- how do we truly decide this person is who we want to be with- not just in a temporal sense but a spiritual sense as well? How do we decide if this person will be the best fit for us? Will be the best ying to our yang? The best person to raise a family with- if that is the common desire? The best person to face life’s challenges with? The best person to cry with- laugh with- fight with-make up with- live with and ultimately die with? And once we decide yes this person is who we want all those things with- what happens when things change? And things WILL change.
What happens when you both lose your jobs or one person is supporting both? Or you both work but are living paycheck to paycheck? Or you lose the lease on your apartment- or the mortgage on your house? Or one person’s car breaks down- or is impounded or gets stolen? What happens when traits and quirks you used to find charming and adorable suddenly become irritating and annoying? What happens when things you used to just laugh about become things you shout and scream about? What happens when ideals and fundamentals you thought you shared turn into uncompromising positions and stand-offs? What happens when prior approved timelines for kids or pets or jobs or school are suddenly turned topsy turvy but other life events? What happens when you feel you can finally be yourself- only to have the other person find that “real you” unattractive or unattainable or unresponsive or uncaring. But what if it was never the “real you?” What if the whole time you met, courted, dated, married, lived and loved together- you never actually showed your “real side?” Because what if your “real side” is simply the perception society made of who you are supposed to be- who the masses WANT you to be- who you should be made to be?
A lot of questions- but ones I think everyone needs to think about- or just look at during some point in their life. Because often times you hear the expression “you can’t find the right one until you are the right one.” Now- someone extremely close to me who means more to me then the entire world- would say in this instance “there is no such thing as the right one. It doesn’t exist.” And perhaps this person is right. I don’t think there is exactly ONE person who is the perfect fit for us. Or exactly ONE person who would be “right” for us. I think it is possible to be happy with anyone and to have a perfectly happy life with anyone. However- while I don’t believe in “soul mates” in the romantic sense of the word- I do believe the person we choose to marry and spend our lives with- in whatever form- is the person who will make us the “happiest” and will be the “right and perfect” balance for us in that point in our life. And as time goes on- and experiences happen- and life happen- that balance will be tested and tried and stretched to its upmost limit. And in some cases- again whether by our own choosing or not- that balance will break. The relationship will break. The family will break. The bond will break. The heart and soul will break. And in some cases- you are able to find another person who again fits that “balance” for your life- at that point. And in some cases- the balance strengthens and empowers and weathers everything life throws at it. It becomes a bond so powerful and so meaningful and so strong- nothing can stop it or ever diminish it. 50 years later- a couple can look back and possibly say “yes, there were other people who could have made me happy- there were other people who may have treated me differently= loved me differently.” But- when you look back at your life- at the people in your life- the decisions in your life- the love in your life- would you want to change it? Would you want to have seen it play out differently? Would you wanted to possibly have a family with someone else? Go through all the trials with someone else? Grown into the person you are today with someone else? Been on the journey with someone else?
I watched several couples- many who have waited years- come together for the first time and legally call themselves “husband and husband” or “wife and wife.” Their love and their bond and their commitment lasted through what some would call “hell” and after patience and long suffering and endurance- they received the ultimate expression of loyalty and love to each other. I also watched my brother and now sister express the same loyalty and love to each other- with the additional religious component to add to the joy. I watched a movie the same week where two people pretended to be someone they weren’t to try and fulfill what they thought the world portrayed as the “perfect marriage.” This lead to both of them hurting the other in physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual ways. And in the end, after all the drama and pain and anguish and betrayal and manipulation- they still end up together.
And I also witnessed my own heart- and the feelings and emotions it went through waiting for someone who I love and cherish to come back home. The feelings of wondering what kind of person I’ve been during the whole process and journey-am I truly being myself or being who I think other people want me to be? Am I loving with everything I have and everything I could ever have- or am I going through the motions and painting a picture of a person who doesn’t truly exist? Am I treating others in ways which if they were treat me the same- I would feel adored and respected and cherished or simply taken advantage of? Am I choosing the best company to be around or am I simply accepting of specific treatment because it’s always been that way? Do I feel like I am loved the way I “deserve” or the way I’ve earned- or am I loved the way others feel they can love me? Do I love others in the way they “deserve” or the way they have earned it or am I too flippant or casual in my dealings and words?
Again- many questions- many rhetorical questions. In the end- I saw so much happiness and joy and contentment and fulfillment and optimism and hope the past few weeks. I also witnessed much anger and disappointment and disbelief and confusion and disillusionment. When it comes to love- they all go together. It’s a matter of finding out what all of both columns you can handle- you can deal with- you can compromise on. And when you find that out- you’ll know which companion you want to spend your journey with. Like I said in my FB status earlier- when you find the someone who inspires and desires you, helps you be a better person, makes you feel alive, shows you the joys and beauties of the world and completes you- you’ll know they are the “right person” for you in that moment. Remember- true love requires compromise, patience, endurance, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, devotion, loyalty, trust, honesty, commitment and unconditional affection. It takes work- every moment of every day. There are people who are worth it. So maybe it’s time to stop asking so many questions- and wondering so many thoughts and worrying so many problems. Just take a deep breath- and go. J
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