sacrifice

an interesting term. the dictionary definition is the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim. Though there is also a shortened version of - to surrender something for the sake of something else.

What do we sacrifice in our lives either for the greater good of those around us or even for ourselves? Often times, we look at it from a physical perspective. Make a new years resolution to not each as much sugar, or drink as much pop, or watch as many movies or spend as much money. These are sacrifices. During Lent, many people make goals to abstain from certain items or activities. Granted this time frame isn't as long as prementioned resolutions- but those participating are still sacrificing something they desire. Yet, they are doing it for a higher purpose. To show their faith and their willingness to follow the rules, knowing they will be blessed for it in the long run.

We can look at time the same way. We sacrifice moments of our lives for certain activites. Church, work, performances, rehearsals, sports practices, shopping- all positive and all necessary at one point or another. And often times we reap more benefits from these activites then if we spent the time doing something else, or going somewhere else. So again, we give up something of our own in return for something better, something greater.

So now I get to the nitty gritty of the matter. The sacrifices we make for other people, and the willingness other people attain to make sacrifices for us. How do we determine what we will or won't give up for another person? This could be either in a family dynamic or a dating partnership or really any interpersonal relationship. What kinds of things do we give up for our friends, for our neighbors, for our co workers, for our congregation members or even for strangers? There have been times I've had to give up going somewhere because of a prior commitment to something or someone else. Yet still, how do we determine which decision to make? when do we ascertain the knowledge to make the best decision- give up something of our own or let someone else give up something of theirs? Do we become the better person by our willingness to surrender something? Or is there a point where we just don't have anything left to give?

Many people in my life recently have asked a simple question- should you be committed to someone if they aren't making the same effort in the relationship as you are? Now again, this could apply to any kind of relationship. If one party is giving, giving, giving and the other party is taking, taking, taking- should the relationship stay intact? Or should roads of communication be opened to bring the couple to a more balanced level? Or- if those are just the personalities of the two invovled, would communication even assist? But should you completely end a relationship with someone simply because the scales are uneven? This person may mean the world to you, and this person may shine light in certain corners of your life others don't have access to. This person may offer you escape from the hassles of the world- and make you believe that anything is possible. So should you cut the cords and let them free simply because they may not show their affection to you the same way you show affection to them?

Everyone expresses emotions differently. And you'd hope people would treat others the way they want to be treated. however, lately, I've begun to wonder just how much I have left in certain areas. This isn't meant to sound egotistical, but there are parts of my life, of my soul that I've given out in numerous circumstances. I have made several sacrifices for what I felt to be ther greater good. yet, I haven't always seen the benefits of those decisions. And I'm almost tapped out. So, what do I do now? Do I take time to replenish myself- take time to refill my glass so I see it as half full? Then, when something new (or renewed) comes along, I actually have the strength and the optimism to fully appreciate and understand it? Or do I simply keep doing what I'm doing and hope the results are more clear this time around? I took a moment and compared what I had done versus what someone else has. It wasn't meant to be derogatory or hurtful- it was to simply make a point. It shocked me the discrepancies between the two. I don't know if I can do that again. I don't know if I have the energy left to give so much- and have so little of it returned. Again, I know that sounds terrible, but it's how I'm feeling right now.

I'm emotionally and physically drained. I'm gracefully throwing in the towel- but also weary about future examples. how do I know I won't repeat the same pattern again and again and again? I probably shouldn't be asking this- but it's been on my mind. When will someone make the sacrifice for me? Though through it all, I know God is somewhere opening a window. I'll just have to keep looking for it- and then follow the pathway it leads me to. For after all, he knows where our lives are heading and the best way of getting us there.

Lead on kindly light. Lead on.

Redemption

So i've been stuck in 18th and 19th Century France lately. From A Tale of Two Cities, to Les Miserables to The Scarlet Pimpernel..... stories of people making decisions for their lives based not only on the situations around them, but on the spirit inside themselves. Decisions made from love, from conviction, from courage and from loss. Men and women who didn't think of themselves, but made choices to benefit those around them. And in some cases- granting second chances to souls who were in desperate need of them.

So that brings me to what i've been thinking about all weekend. Second chances. How many do we get in life- and how many do we grant to others? Are there certain people who don't "deserve" second chances? What would happen though if we were told we didn't "deserve" a second chance when we needed one- when we wanted one? Would we be similar to the unprofitable servant- who didn't forgive a small debt when his master already forgave him a larger one?

here's where I'm at right now. At some point in the near distant future, I'll be asking for a second chance myself. Well, actually- more like a millionth chance. It's something that's been coming for a long time. Something that has to happen in order for me, for my heart to move forward. Am I scared out of my bloody mind? You betcha. However, I need a finite answer to complete this cycle, this pathway, this journey. My soul yearns for absolution and for adoration. If this is the case where it happens- then it happens. And regardless of the outcome, I will finally know and be certain.

Yet, at the same time, my heart threw me a curve ball. Well not so much a curve ball as a friggin slam in the head with a Louisville Slugger. it's one of those "are you kidding me?" There's a line from a Kelly Clarkson song that fits perfectly my emotions this past weekend. "That is just you coming back when I've finally moved on...."- Well that and the Christina Perry song- but for different reasons. So now my heart is split in half. One half waiting, apprehensive about the second chance I'm going to ask for. The other half waiting, confused about the second chance I may have to give. But if the person asking for a second chance is one I don't trust, one who hurt me in the past- what is my reasoning for granting that second chance? But if I don't give one, why would someone else give me one?

however, I know my heart and I know what I can or can't handle. I am so afraid that by letting someone in, the same thing will happen to me that happened before. But I'm also afraid that by asking for something a second time, I'll get an answer I don't want- and that would hurt even more. And who am I to say that someone shouldn't get a second chance? Isn't life about forgiveness, and redemption and love? Looking past someone's shortcomings and mistakes- and seeing them for who they really are, who they truly are? And if they promise.....but I've had promises broken- by people I cared about more than anything. And that hurt beyond words. In some cases, it still hurts.

So what do I do? What do I say? The other part of this is I don't know if I can get both second chances at the same time. It's almost as if I get one or the other. so that's another question. Which one do I want more? Both would make me extremely happy. But both come with high level of risk. My heart could either be filled to overflowing, or be broken into a million pieces.

I think I need a little inspiration from Jean Valjean, Sydney Carton and Percy Blakeney.

Hope

"Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen....for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" Ether 12:6

yes, fully aware the scripture refers to faith and I titled this post "hope." but we learn that you can't have faith without having hope- and you can't have hope without a seed of faith. unfortuantely, my seed of faith lost a few leaves these past couple of weeks.

I understand human emotion. At least I thought I did. I understand that people have to do what is best for them. They have to make decisions leading to their ultimate happiness. There are two beings who know EXACTLY what will make us happiest. They give us all the opportunities and chances to find that happiness for ourselves. But sometimes we get in our own way. Sometimes it's our own choices, our own decisions that keep us from happiness, keep us from joy. Though sometimes it's other people's decisions that keep us from where we want to be.

I'm not going to spend this time bashing someone. I'm not going to spend this time bashing myself. Life happens. Sometimes in a way we envision in our heads, and sometimes the exact opposite of what we wanted. Sometimes the very thing we were afraid of lies spread eagle in front of us. We can't walk past it, we can't ignore it, we have to deal with it. God is trying to teach us something- even if it's "I know this going to hurt. But I know you. I know you can handle it. I know you are strong enough to get through this. I am not going to give you anything that you can't handle....and I'll be there through it all."

Though there are times when I think he has more faith in me than I do in myself. But he does know us. he knows us better than we know ourselves. And sometimes in order to remind us just how much he loves us, he puts people in our lives to help us through these times of fear, of pain. he knows he can trust these messengers, these heavenly angels with just the right words, just the right timing, just the right action to help us along, to lift us up, to keep us moving. When a promise is broken, when a heart is shattered, when a light is burned out- he sends us an anchor, a bandage, a candle- a beacon of hope.

Am I still a little jaded? yes. will i be jaded for awhile? yes. do i feel betrayed, let down, irritated and hurt? yes. am i allowed to feel that way? yes. We're human. We're allowed to feel every negative emotion. It's only when we allow these negative emotions to control our lives we run into difficulty. But like one of my best friends- one of my "beacon of hope" said the other night..."that doesn't make you a bad person."

I hope not.

how life can change

wow. in one word that pretty much sums up the last few weeks of my life.

On a Saturday night back in November, I made a decision- a decision that inadvertently changed the course of my life and my world. It's funny to me though that in making said decision, I was able to let go-to finally set aside a dream I had for more than two and a half years. I thought nothing would top it, nothing would surpass it. This was my future-and I would do anything and everything I had to - to make it a reality. Little did I know God had other plans.

I try to let God lead my life, try to fully understand when his plan doesn't always mesh with mine. I know, at the end of the day, his plan is better suited for my life than mine. That he always knows what he's doing. Some days it's easier to accept than others. But that November night, I looked up to the sky and said, "I am throwing in the towel. I can't do this anymore. This is what I've decided to do. Please let me know if this is what you want for me to do." My heart literally broke that night, but it also was born again. Like a phoenix, it rose from the ashes of my shattered dream and allowed me the opportunity to see things a new and different light.

Now, I'm slowly chipping away at a wall with a needle, hoping one day the smallest crack will appear. But I know, deep within me I know, the path will reveal itself. I never thought I'd be at his point in my life. Today was an interesting day for me. I saw the old me, the me who thought she had all the answers, the me who planned out her entire life based off one night, the me who never thought outside of "this is what I want." Now, it wasn't a bad "old me." It just isn't who I am anymore. The new me, while still cautious and fragile, has a new perspective. Suddenly, I'm not the one who's needs protecting. Suddenly I'm not the one who needs lifting up. Suddenly, I'm not the one who needs reassuring. Not only that, i find myself in a very similar situation to someone else in my life- who up until tonight I didn't have the strongest feelings for. Now I realize, she and I have more in common than I thought.

So who is this new me? Will she survive whatever the Lord puts in front of her? I think so. Because my life has changed for the better these past few weeks. My life has changed period. I'm not who I used to be. And I'm perfectly okay with that. And whatever happens from here on out- happens. It's like a good friend said to me today, "things will work out the way the Lord wants them to work out." I just never would have believed they would work out this way. But, that's the thing with making promises to the Lord. You better keep them.

Game Changer

The statement "the only thing constant is change" rings true to this 20-something from the Wasatch Front. She planned a journey for her life- a destination in mind and a game plan to get there. Granted, the destination hasn't changed but the passengers along for the ride shuffled slightly. She still knows what she wants, and she still fights to hold on to it. However, she found herself thrown down a curve and now she is re- learning the rules. Rules to a game she never was a fan of- considered it a necessary evil.

First- in order to fully gauge if someone likes you- let them think they are losing you. Flirt and interact with other people in order to make them jealous. Speak loudly while they are around of all the other people you like, or that you would like to spend time with. Mention upcoming dates or upcoming social activites and who you are going with. Someone explain to me how that accomplishes anything? I know certain people like to do the chasing and certain people like to be chased. However, if what you are chasing is chasing something else but then turns around and chases you once you've been declared unattainable- what was the point of chasing something else? What happens if while you are busy making someone else jealous- they decide maybe you're not worth the aggravation? Some would say- "well, that person didnt really like you anyway." Or- it could be they DID really like you, but they didn't like the games you were playing. They didn't like having to prove how much they liked you- or having to outshine the people you were flirting with. They didn't like having to sit in the shadows and watch you play out the game- to make THEM jealous. They didn't like you ignoring them- just so they would end up missing you. So, you play by the first rule, and end up losing someone who may have been good for you.

Second- the simplicity of liking, courting, dating seems to have disappeared. Why is it when you first start crushing on someone- certain people's first reaction is always "are you going to get married?" Maybe it's a Utah thing.....maybe it's a Mormon thing. No wonder so many people are against dating- or if not against it, a bit apprehensive about the ordeal. If we walk into a potential date thinking "this may or may not be my soul mate-eternal companion," how on earth will our date live up to that ridiculous expectation? Most dates are wondering if they'll make it to date number two, not the walk down the aisle. And how do you dress for the potential engagement on the first date? I mean, if we are looking at each other as potential life partners- that would certainly affect the sweater I end up wearing or how I do my hair. Plus my questions are going to change. Instead of the background check- "where did you go to school? what are you studying? where did you grow up?" it will now be an official investigation. "how do you want to raise kids? what are your ideas of a family balanced budget? where do you see yourself in 10 years and where do i fit in that picture?"

Third- the annoying void between what one person is thinking in their head and what they are feeling in their heart. And the void between one person's head to the other person's heart. Countless times we ask ourselves "does he like me as much as I like him?" or "I wonder if she's thinking about me right now." Here's a novel concept. Instead of wondering and waiting and worrying, why don't you just ask? Communicate with the other person- add a little honesty to the mix. I would rather be too open and up front with someone then spend every night thinking to myself "if only i knew what he was thinking." I'd rather someone be completely open and honest with me before finding out we'd wasted each other's time and energy. I vote for open and honest communication with a second helping of truth and frankness. If it scares the other person away- at least there won't be any unanswered questions. That's the worst part of this entire game. The questions you never had the chance to ask and the answers you never had the courage to hear.

Fourth- figuring out where to go after each step of the road. For instance- you like me, I like you. You ask me out and I say yes. Awkward days and hours leading up to first date. Then we go on first date and we have a good time. (Or whatever adjective you want to insert here.) Question number one- who calls who after the first date? Or in this day and age- who texts/FBs first? Question number two- who asks who on second date- if second date is agreeable to both parties. Question number three- how many dates do you go on before deciding if you want to "go steady" or "pair off" or be "bf/gf"- whatever term you want. Then, you have to decide when you can change your Facebook status to "in a relationship." And when you can send out the mass text to all your friends. I know most people would let the male in this situation dictate when and where and why and who and how.....but this is the 21st century. If I waited for all my dating decisions to be made by the male party.........I'd still be waiting. Let's backtrack to the communication portion of the game. Talk it out. If two people like each other, like each other's company, like each other's physical attributes, like each other's personality and like each other's lives.....then spend as much time together as possible, get to know each other on a deep spiritual and intellectual level and don't let outside distractions get in the way.

As Puck would say, "Lord, what fools these mortals be." We often make this more difficult then it needs to be. It really is as simple as "boy meets girl." Guess i'll just have to bend the rules a little more. After all, it's not if you win or lose but how you play the game.

diez trece

this week never seems to end. i know that i need to be patient, that certain things have to happen to help us all become the sons and daughters the Lord wants us to be. there are things we have to learn a certain way to help us grow and mature. sometimes i dont want to mature. I want to be the little girl who runs around the playground, her braids flying behind her, no cares, no worries, no responsibities. But if I was that little child, I wouldn't be able to experience the amazing and incredible adventure I am on now. For that is what love is. An adventure. A challenge. A journey. An eyeopening risk. A step off the bridge that holds your hopes and dreams in one brief moment. One word can change the world-spin its off its course or stop it in its tracks. So I hold tight for now, my hands shaking but without the courage to let go. What if the pool beneath me swallows me whole and I'm left drowning without a hand to pull me up? But what if when I fall and open my eyes, I find myself flying. Soaring over all fears and dispair and pain. With someone by my side lifting me higher and higher until it feels like I'll touch the stars themselves. The journey continues whether on our own or with a friend, a partner, a lover, a soulmate, a forever companion. And while we are never alone-the journey does seem a bit shorter, a bit easier and a bit softer with that person by our side.

There are times I wish I could go back in time, Victorian age or early 1800s. The love stories from Austen, Dickens, Bronte (and North and South) touch my heart and gripe my soul. Sometimes I wish I could be in one of those love stories. But again, if I was there, I couldn't be here. And here is where I want to be. This week I've learned so much, I've gained such a testimony of prayer and truly, TRULY relying on our Savior. he has felt every pain, he has heard every cry, he has seen every meltdown. On our worst day, we find peace in the fact that he does know how he feel. He felt it. He suffered it for us. So he knows how to succor us, how to best help and how to wrap his arms around us and whisper the words we want to hear.

My words? "I'm home. I'm here. I'm never leaving again. You never have to worry about losing me-ever. I know exactly what I want and I'm looking right at it. I know what you know. I feel what you feel. I'm yours, forever."

Its so hard to let go of fear

When you dont know what lies ahead

Its so hard to let go of uncertainty

Not knowing actions or words said

You want to shout it so loud and clear

So everyone around you will hear

But while your heart screams from inside

your head behind reason hides

But I dont regret what I did say

I dont regret what I did that day

Maybe being wise isn't so bad

For a girl who wants what she cant have

Not because I'm not allowed to ask

Not because its beyond my grasp

But because i'm waiting for the proper time

To finally let this little light shine

Plus i couldn't dream of taking away

any experience that would help make

Him be the person God knows he can be

the person he'll be through eternity

I wont stand in anybodys way

Though i'm left waiting day to day

Why is it so easy to tell the world

But around certain people, I'm the shy girl

Who can't quite find the perfect words

Those who know me best know its absurd

So let me shout it as loud as I can

But not yet, the time isn't at hand

Endure for a moment, until the end its true

so I wait patiently, id wait forever for you.

'"This Life is the time for men to prepare to meet God"

So, I thought I know what I wanted. I know what I don't want. I know what I will and won't put up with. I know what I will or won't sacrifice. I know what I will or won't stand up for. I know what I will or won't go through. Yet, everything we go through in our lives prepares us for something else. I learned so much during the time my mother was ill and after she died, and I apply those lessons every day of my life. One of our good family friends said this at my mother's wedding. "Maybe it was for us that you had to go through this. That someday we would need to know how to care and how to love and how to help unconditionally." I have a friend who got married a couple of weekends ago and she is the epitome of God preparing you throughout your life. She accepted callings of leadership through out her teen, college and young adult years and each responsibily helped prepare her for the next. I look up to her in so many ways.

Often times, we don't see the under lining reasons why we are going through something. The scriptures tell us that God will not tempt us above that which we are able. I often times replace the word tempt with try or test. God will not try us above that which we are able. God knows each of us individually. He knows our names, he knows our hearts. He knows what challenges and what obstacles we need to face and overcome to become the sons and daughters of God he wants us to be. He knows what refiners fires we need to go through to burn our testimonies to our hearts and live them each day of our lives. He knows what struggles and pains we need to endure to become humble and giving and patient to our fellow man. He knows what uphill battles we'll need to climb to reach the potential we have inside our souls. He knows what our lives will be before we do, and we need him every step of the way to live up to that divine potential, live up to those celestial expectations. We are capable of so much but without him we are nothing. With an eye single to the glory of God, we accomplish great things and experience wonders of the world-by putting our lives and our trust in his hands.

We strive everyday to look at our lives and at the lives of those we love with an eternal perspective. What we go through on a day to day basis makes us who we need to be, who God needs us to be. We are his servants, we are his children, we are his most precious creations. We do his work, we share his message, we serve his people and we love with a fraction of the everlasting love he has for us. One of my best friends said something so profound a while ago. The day was bittersweet for me and he and I talked of many things. I shared a spiritual experience with him-one that I thought both of us could learn from. His reaction struck my heart and has stayed with me ever since. He said when we get to heaven and look back on our lives, we will be pleasantly surprised by how many times the Lord stepped in on our behalf. Sometimes as humans we don't always see the divine guidance leading our lives. Sometimes it can be something so small-to our eyes almost insignificant. But as the Book of Mormon states, in small and simple things are great things brought to pass.

I am reminded of the story of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob served seven years for her hand in marriage. During that time, I'm sure there were days he felt discouraged, disheartened, impatient and possibly even fearful that all his hard work and diligence would be in vain. Yet, look at the reward for his efforts. The prophet Joseph Smith worked and prepared himself to receive the gold plates. The Lord knew that when the prophet was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready-the work could go forth. The Lord prepares us every day for the challenges ahead. He stays by our side continously as we face persecution from either our fellow man or our common enemy. Satan wants us all to be miserable like unto himself-the scriptures tell us that. He does not want us to be happy, to live the commandments of the living God or to return to our heavenly home with those we love forever. The Lord has promised us that he will never leave us, that he will never abandon us and that if we have faith in his name and do all that we can, he will lift us up at the last day. He will make our burdens light. He will be our mediator and our firm foundation. He will never forsake us. He holds his arms open to us at all times and we need but fall on our knees, thank him for his never ending blessings and allow him to guide and influence us for good.

I look back over the past couple years of my life and I see all the experiences the Lord has blessed me with. The people I have met, the talents I have strengthened, the places I have traveled and the opportunities for growth I have gained. I would not be who I am today without the positive example of so many people and for the journeys I traveled in this life. I changed my mind this weekend. I thought I knew what I wanted. Yet, the Lord often has a bigger plan for us then we do for ourselves. Maybe I won't have to wait 7 years like Jacob. But patience is a virtue and often times, the Lord needs us to go through what we need to become who he knows we are capable of becoming. I said a long time ago that when the time is right, I won't back down and I won't look back. That will be it and nothing will ever falter or steer me from that course. This past weekend, I truly see what the Lord has done with the clay-the instrument in the master's hands. This is the time for men to prepare to meet God.

I may not be able to speak with our Savior face to face but I know he lives. I know he loves us and I know he died and was rescurrected so we may be with those we love forever. So we may be forgiven of our shortcomings and be cleansed. I know that everything happens for a reason and like Elder Holland said- "Sunday will always come." This Sunday, I am grateful for that knowledge. Also on this particular day I also thank the prophet Joseph Smith for the sacrifies he made for the early Saints, the Saints today and the countless Saints to come. He truly is a prophet of God. And "he did more, save Jesus only, for the redemption of his people and sealed his testimony with his blood. " (D&C) I stand by what I said. I know what I know. And I live the way I do because of what I know. I changed my mind. I know what I want. I've always known what I've wanted. The Lord needed me to be ready for it. "With God, nothing is impossible."

Lord-I'm ready. I'll go where you want me to go, I'll be who you want me to be.