Redemption

So i've been stuck in 18th and 19th Century France lately. From A Tale of Two Cities, to Les Miserables to The Scarlet Pimpernel..... stories of people making decisions for their lives based not only on the situations around them, but on the spirit inside themselves. Decisions made from love, from conviction, from courage and from loss. Men and women who didn't think of themselves, but made choices to benefit those around them. And in some cases- granting second chances to souls who were in desperate need of them.

So that brings me to what i've been thinking about all weekend. Second chances. How many do we get in life- and how many do we grant to others? Are there certain people who don't "deserve" second chances? What would happen though if we were told we didn't "deserve" a second chance when we needed one- when we wanted one? Would we be similar to the unprofitable servant- who didn't forgive a small debt when his master already forgave him a larger one?

here's where I'm at right now. At some point in the near distant future, I'll be asking for a second chance myself. Well, actually- more like a millionth chance. It's something that's been coming for a long time. Something that has to happen in order for me, for my heart to move forward. Am I scared out of my bloody mind? You betcha. However, I need a finite answer to complete this cycle, this pathway, this journey. My soul yearns for absolution and for adoration. If this is the case where it happens- then it happens. And regardless of the outcome, I will finally know and be certain.

Yet, at the same time, my heart threw me a curve ball. Well not so much a curve ball as a friggin slam in the head with a Louisville Slugger. it's one of those "are you kidding me?" There's a line from a Kelly Clarkson song that fits perfectly my emotions this past weekend. "That is just you coming back when I've finally moved on...."- Well that and the Christina Perry song- but for different reasons. So now my heart is split in half. One half waiting, apprehensive about the second chance I'm going to ask for. The other half waiting, confused about the second chance I may have to give. But if the person asking for a second chance is one I don't trust, one who hurt me in the past- what is my reasoning for granting that second chance? But if I don't give one, why would someone else give me one?

however, I know my heart and I know what I can or can't handle. I am so afraid that by letting someone in, the same thing will happen to me that happened before. But I'm also afraid that by asking for something a second time, I'll get an answer I don't want- and that would hurt even more. And who am I to say that someone shouldn't get a second chance? Isn't life about forgiveness, and redemption and love? Looking past someone's shortcomings and mistakes- and seeing them for who they really are, who they truly are? And if they promise.....but I've had promises broken- by people I cared about more than anything. And that hurt beyond words. In some cases, it still hurts.

So what do I do? What do I say? The other part of this is I don't know if I can get both second chances at the same time. It's almost as if I get one or the other. so that's another question. Which one do I want more? Both would make me extremely happy. But both come with high level of risk. My heart could either be filled to overflowing, or be broken into a million pieces.

I think I need a little inspiration from Jean Valjean, Sydney Carton and Percy Blakeney.