Expectations

So I've waited for different experiences in my life, and each one has fallen flat on its face. The two most recent surround my college graduation and one this past weekend.
maybe I put too much stock into these experiences to begin with. I realized that the next big day that is all about me probably won't be until I get married. So, I tried to make graduation day one of the funnest days possible. Well, it was fun, but it wasn't what I had thought it was going to be.
Then, this past weekend, I had something happen to me that hasn't happened the more than 20 years I've been alive. My best friend and I talked about it last night. We had a conversation that I had waited years to have. And in the moment, the experience was crazy and amazing. But looking back, it wasn't at all like I pictured and the more I thought about it, wasn't at all what I wanted.
I have a friend at work who talks to me about everything. This friend has told me on many occasions that they would like to teach me about the world and the adventures that go along with it. I almost wish I had taken their advice and let them "teach me." But for now, at least I have a story and a "new years eve" story at that.
The downside is, I don't quite see what the big deal is. maybe next time, i won't expect anything at all. Then, i won't be disappointed when it doesn't turn out the way I thought it would. Maybe, it will be even better.

C

My Immortal

I love this song by Evanescence. The lyrics always hit me hard and especially now. I've found out recently that often times there are wounds that regardless of how much time you give them, they never seem to heal. There are certain people who will always steal all the breath from your body. And there are certain periods of time that you will never forget-no matter how hard you try. This song reminds me of that. I just wish everything I just said wasn't true. (BTW- those two cute guys I'm standing in between.....dad and big bro. Two men I can always count on.)

C

'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave' Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

Aliases

One thing about working in radio is very often, the person you are talking to is not the person you are talking to.

Case in point, you can have a deejay who's real name is something like Charlie South. Now, that isn't the world's best on air name now, is it? So Charlie decides to make a better image for himself he's going to change it. Now if he were in a country format he might go for something like "Chuck" or "Shane." If he were in the alternative market he might swing toward "Alex", "Dex" or "Ian." Adult Contemporary he'd want something that rolls off the tongue. Maybe "Shawn South" or some other name that fits in well with alliteration. Now for a rock station he wanted something a little more hardcore like "Drummer" or something to that effect. But he'd want it to be something memorable.

Now in addition to creating his own name, he would then work on making a persona to go along with it. Now this is where it gets confusing. So let's say he goes by "Rustic Chuck" on the most popular country station in the market. (aka-the most listened to country station in the city.) Now, when you bump into him at the station building he's most likely to do a few things. He could either A) introduce himself as "Rustic Chuck" and only answer if addressed as "Rustic Chuck" B) introduce himself as "R.C" when listeners are around but then talk to others as "Charlie" or C) conduct himself as "Charlie" at the station but when he goes to on air remotes off site then refer to himself as "Rustic Chuck" The question then rises, who is he and what is he? Should you call him "Chuck" or "Charlie"? And what does he call himself? Because at the end of the day, whatever and whoever he is on air, he still goes home as "Charlie South."

That raises another question, how did he get the name "Rustic Chuck" anyways? You'd be surprised how some people come up with their names. Some don't have a choice. They are hired to be a deejay on a station and that station tells them, "You will now be known as.....fill in the blank." Some are able to come up with their own names and carry them from station to station. What I've noticed recently is some deejays keep their first names and give themselves a different last name for their on air work. For example, if your first name was "John" and your last name was "Peterson" or something like that-you may go by "John Smith" or "Johnny Appleseed" or something to that effect. Make sense?

Then there's me. My friend and I were teasing the other night about how I should have an on air name. (Even though I really have no aspirations to be on air. It's fun the handful of times I've done it, but I wouldn't make a career out of it. Besides, I'm just the "cute" distraction if you were. Anyways, we were throwing names around and I suggested "Tess." She replied that I didn't look or sound like a "tess." So I mentioned it to one of my friends at work and he suggested I just keep my regular name as it is so unique anyway. I guess that my name will come in time. I'll keep you "posted" no put intended. HA!!!

Oh btw-happy turkey day and GO UTES!!

C

What We Want

So for years I prayed and prayed for the same thing and for years and years I felt like I never received an answer to that prayer. Now I can honestly say that perhaps I recevied an answer a long time ago, it just took me awhile to recognize it. We don't always get what we want. But maybe, just maybe, we get something better. A very good friend turned me onto the "apologize" by One Republic. Now many people have heard the Timbaland version which is good but I prefer the sound of the original. It's one of those songs I can listen to again and again. My friend and I were talking about that the other day. The interesting to me is that many times those songs I listen to repeatedly have some kind of deeper meaning. The reason they hit me so hard is because there is something in either the lyrics, the music or the way the singer performs that I can relate to, that I can emphasize with. So what is about this song that drew me to it?

Maybe that is another answer I won't understand until I travel forward through life. But for now I am sticking to my realization. We don't always get what we want. Many times, we get something better.

C

Mother Nature's Little Miracles

It's amazing to me what a little fresh air can do for a person. you can be having the worst day on record, stare at the huge pile of bills piling higher and higher on your kitchen counter; toss and turn on your bed because you're too stressed to sleep or simply want to pull your hair out- then you take one step outside, take a deep breath and let the sun envelope you in its bright and warm rays. You turn your head and notice the deep reds, lemon yellows and shining oranges falling from the cold and shivering tree branches. You walk over to the pile of leaves scattered along your yard and driveway. Just for kicks, you bend down and pick one up with your hand, turning it over and over. Then, you shake your head..."screw it." and fall into the pile, letting the leaves fall on top of you as you close your eyes and feel the cool autumn breeze tickle your skin.

Wow. I am feeling better already.

"You look nice...."

Isn't it interesting that when you try to look cute no one really notices? Or when you go out of the way to make yourself up the person who's attention you're trying to get doesn't pick up on the fact? Or, perhaps the most interesting thing of all...when you change something to your appearance and people actually DO notice. So it leads me to the question, do we change hair styles, hair colors, eye colors (contacts), clothes, shoes, lipstick shades...whatever....do we change ourselves for ourselves or for other people? I mean, do we need other people's approval to like the way we look or to feel good about ourselves? Do we need the satisfaction of knowing other people are looking? Or can we be happy with how we look to ourselves and not give a darn what other people think? That's not to say we don't appreciate the compliments. And we are happy to return the compliments in full. But it's something to look at. Instead of attempting to live up to a societal ideal, can't we simply live up to our own ideals and be happy with that? Can't we accept ourselves for who we really are and accept others for who they truly are? Why does hair color, designer shirts and the price tag on our vehciles determine our place and position in certain social circles? I am not saying I mind being complimented. I just think it wouldn't hurt to take a step back and make sure one doesn't rely to heavily on compliments. At the end of the day, you have to go to sleep with yourself. And if you don't like the reflection staring back at you....there isn't enough make-up in the world to change that. Just something to think about. And yes, for those of you reading between the lines....I got a hair cut yesterday. (LOL.)

Men and the Women Who Deal with Them

I do not understand men. It doesn't matter if you marry them, date them, live with them, grow up with them, work with them, love them, hate them or simply put up with them....we will never understand them.

Now I don't have to worry about the marry them part as of yet, but I do deal with the live with them (father and brother), work with them (I think there is a higher number of men in my current workplace then women), and a little of both love them and put up with them. But the one thing that always frustrates me is the date them part. Or even the "I like you, you like me but we aren't dating right now and neither one of us can give a good, solid reason as to why that is."

Then, there is the whole "mixed signals" guessing game. The "oh, he looked at me, does that mean he likes me?" Or "he commented on how cute I look today, is that flirting?" Or "he touched my hand....or is that considered more of a brush?" Or "He didn't talk to me at all today. Is he mad at me or something?" And the old favorite "Does he like me or does he LIKE me like me?" The day they print up a guide book to the male sex and the ins and outs of their brain is the day I may finally be able to say "I get it!"

Until then....I guess I just have to live in confusion, frustration and adoration for awhile. At least it keeps life-what's the word-interesting.