how life can change

wow. in one word that pretty much sums up the last few weeks of my life.

On a Saturday night back in November, I made a decision- a decision that inadvertently changed the course of my life and my world. It's funny to me though that in making said decision, I was able to let go-to finally set aside a dream I had for more than two and a half years. I thought nothing would top it, nothing would surpass it. This was my future-and I would do anything and everything I had to - to make it a reality. Little did I know God had other plans.

I try to let God lead my life, try to fully understand when his plan doesn't always mesh with mine. I know, at the end of the day, his plan is better suited for my life than mine. That he always knows what he's doing. Some days it's easier to accept than others. But that November night, I looked up to the sky and said, "I am throwing in the towel. I can't do this anymore. This is what I've decided to do. Please let me know if this is what you want for me to do." My heart literally broke that night, but it also was born again. Like a phoenix, it rose from the ashes of my shattered dream and allowed me the opportunity to see things a new and different light.

Now, I'm slowly chipping away at a wall with a needle, hoping one day the smallest crack will appear. But I know, deep within me I know, the path will reveal itself. I never thought I'd be at his point in my life. Today was an interesting day for me. I saw the old me, the me who thought she had all the answers, the me who planned out her entire life based off one night, the me who never thought outside of "this is what I want." Now, it wasn't a bad "old me." It just isn't who I am anymore. The new me, while still cautious and fragile, has a new perspective. Suddenly, I'm not the one who's needs protecting. Suddenly I'm not the one who needs lifting up. Suddenly, I'm not the one who needs reassuring. Not only that, i find myself in a very similar situation to someone else in my life- who up until tonight I didn't have the strongest feelings for. Now I realize, she and I have more in common than I thought.

So who is this new me? Will she survive whatever the Lord puts in front of her? I think so. Because my life has changed for the better these past few weeks. My life has changed period. I'm not who I used to be. And I'm perfectly okay with that. And whatever happens from here on out- happens. It's like a good friend said to me today, "things will work out the way the Lord wants them to work out." I just never would have believed they would work out this way. But, that's the thing with making promises to the Lord. You better keep them.

Game Changer

The statement "the only thing constant is change" rings true to this 20-something from the Wasatch Front. She planned a journey for her life- a destination in mind and a game plan to get there. Granted, the destination hasn't changed but the passengers along for the ride shuffled slightly. She still knows what she wants, and she still fights to hold on to it. However, she found herself thrown down a curve and now she is re- learning the rules. Rules to a game she never was a fan of- considered it a necessary evil.

First- in order to fully gauge if someone likes you- let them think they are losing you. Flirt and interact with other people in order to make them jealous. Speak loudly while they are around of all the other people you like, or that you would like to spend time with. Mention upcoming dates or upcoming social activites and who you are going with. Someone explain to me how that accomplishes anything? I know certain people like to do the chasing and certain people like to be chased. However, if what you are chasing is chasing something else but then turns around and chases you once you've been declared unattainable- what was the point of chasing something else? What happens if while you are busy making someone else jealous- they decide maybe you're not worth the aggravation? Some would say- "well, that person didnt really like you anyway." Or- it could be they DID really like you, but they didn't like the games you were playing. They didn't like having to prove how much they liked you- or having to outshine the people you were flirting with. They didn't like having to sit in the shadows and watch you play out the game- to make THEM jealous. They didn't like you ignoring them- just so they would end up missing you. So, you play by the first rule, and end up losing someone who may have been good for you.

Second- the simplicity of liking, courting, dating seems to have disappeared. Why is it when you first start crushing on someone- certain people's first reaction is always "are you going to get married?" Maybe it's a Utah thing.....maybe it's a Mormon thing. No wonder so many people are against dating- or if not against it, a bit apprehensive about the ordeal. If we walk into a potential date thinking "this may or may not be my soul mate-eternal companion," how on earth will our date live up to that ridiculous expectation? Most dates are wondering if they'll make it to date number two, not the walk down the aisle. And how do you dress for the potential engagement on the first date? I mean, if we are looking at each other as potential life partners- that would certainly affect the sweater I end up wearing or how I do my hair. Plus my questions are going to change. Instead of the background check- "where did you go to school? what are you studying? where did you grow up?" it will now be an official investigation. "how do you want to raise kids? what are your ideas of a family balanced budget? where do you see yourself in 10 years and where do i fit in that picture?"

Third- the annoying void between what one person is thinking in their head and what they are feeling in their heart. And the void between one person's head to the other person's heart. Countless times we ask ourselves "does he like me as much as I like him?" or "I wonder if she's thinking about me right now." Here's a novel concept. Instead of wondering and waiting and worrying, why don't you just ask? Communicate with the other person- add a little honesty to the mix. I would rather be too open and up front with someone then spend every night thinking to myself "if only i knew what he was thinking." I'd rather someone be completely open and honest with me before finding out we'd wasted each other's time and energy. I vote for open and honest communication with a second helping of truth and frankness. If it scares the other person away- at least there won't be any unanswered questions. That's the worst part of this entire game. The questions you never had the chance to ask and the answers you never had the courage to hear.

Fourth- figuring out where to go after each step of the road. For instance- you like me, I like you. You ask me out and I say yes. Awkward days and hours leading up to first date. Then we go on first date and we have a good time. (Or whatever adjective you want to insert here.) Question number one- who calls who after the first date? Or in this day and age- who texts/FBs first? Question number two- who asks who on second date- if second date is agreeable to both parties. Question number three- how many dates do you go on before deciding if you want to "go steady" or "pair off" or be "bf/gf"- whatever term you want. Then, you have to decide when you can change your Facebook status to "in a relationship." And when you can send out the mass text to all your friends. I know most people would let the male in this situation dictate when and where and why and who and how.....but this is the 21st century. If I waited for all my dating decisions to be made by the male party.........I'd still be waiting. Let's backtrack to the communication portion of the game. Talk it out. If two people like each other, like each other's company, like each other's physical attributes, like each other's personality and like each other's lives.....then spend as much time together as possible, get to know each other on a deep spiritual and intellectual level and don't let outside distractions get in the way.

As Puck would say, "Lord, what fools these mortals be." We often make this more difficult then it needs to be. It really is as simple as "boy meets girl." Guess i'll just have to bend the rules a little more. After all, it's not if you win or lose but how you play the game.

diez trece

this week never seems to end. i know that i need to be patient, that certain things have to happen to help us all become the sons and daughters the Lord wants us to be. there are things we have to learn a certain way to help us grow and mature. sometimes i dont want to mature. I want to be the little girl who runs around the playground, her braids flying behind her, no cares, no worries, no responsibities. But if I was that little child, I wouldn't be able to experience the amazing and incredible adventure I am on now. For that is what love is. An adventure. A challenge. A journey. An eyeopening risk. A step off the bridge that holds your hopes and dreams in one brief moment. One word can change the world-spin its off its course or stop it in its tracks. So I hold tight for now, my hands shaking but without the courage to let go. What if the pool beneath me swallows me whole and I'm left drowning without a hand to pull me up? But what if when I fall and open my eyes, I find myself flying. Soaring over all fears and dispair and pain. With someone by my side lifting me higher and higher until it feels like I'll touch the stars themselves. The journey continues whether on our own or with a friend, a partner, a lover, a soulmate, a forever companion. And while we are never alone-the journey does seem a bit shorter, a bit easier and a bit softer with that person by our side.

There are times I wish I could go back in time, Victorian age or early 1800s. The love stories from Austen, Dickens, Bronte (and North and South) touch my heart and gripe my soul. Sometimes I wish I could be in one of those love stories. But again, if I was there, I couldn't be here. And here is where I want to be. This week I've learned so much, I've gained such a testimony of prayer and truly, TRULY relying on our Savior. he has felt every pain, he has heard every cry, he has seen every meltdown. On our worst day, we find peace in the fact that he does know how he feel. He felt it. He suffered it for us. So he knows how to succor us, how to best help and how to wrap his arms around us and whisper the words we want to hear.

My words? "I'm home. I'm here. I'm never leaving again. You never have to worry about losing me-ever. I know exactly what I want and I'm looking right at it. I know what you know. I feel what you feel. I'm yours, forever."

Its so hard to let go of fear

When you dont know what lies ahead

Its so hard to let go of uncertainty

Not knowing actions or words said

You want to shout it so loud and clear

So everyone around you will hear

But while your heart screams from inside

your head behind reason hides

But I dont regret what I did say

I dont regret what I did that day

Maybe being wise isn't so bad

For a girl who wants what she cant have

Not because I'm not allowed to ask

Not because its beyond my grasp

But because i'm waiting for the proper time

To finally let this little light shine

Plus i couldn't dream of taking away

any experience that would help make

Him be the person God knows he can be

the person he'll be through eternity

I wont stand in anybodys way

Though i'm left waiting day to day

Why is it so easy to tell the world

But around certain people, I'm the shy girl

Who can't quite find the perfect words

Those who know me best know its absurd

So let me shout it as loud as I can

But not yet, the time isn't at hand

Endure for a moment, until the end its true

so I wait patiently, id wait forever for you.

'"This Life is the time for men to prepare to meet God"

So, I thought I know what I wanted. I know what I don't want. I know what I will and won't put up with. I know what I will or won't sacrifice. I know what I will or won't stand up for. I know what I will or won't go through. Yet, everything we go through in our lives prepares us for something else. I learned so much during the time my mother was ill and after she died, and I apply those lessons every day of my life. One of our good family friends said this at my mother's wedding. "Maybe it was for us that you had to go through this. That someday we would need to know how to care and how to love and how to help unconditionally." I have a friend who got married a couple of weekends ago and she is the epitome of God preparing you throughout your life. She accepted callings of leadership through out her teen, college and young adult years and each responsibily helped prepare her for the next. I look up to her in so many ways.

Often times, we don't see the under lining reasons why we are going through something. The scriptures tell us that God will not tempt us above that which we are able. I often times replace the word tempt with try or test. God will not try us above that which we are able. God knows each of us individually. He knows our names, he knows our hearts. He knows what challenges and what obstacles we need to face and overcome to become the sons and daughters of God he wants us to be. He knows what refiners fires we need to go through to burn our testimonies to our hearts and live them each day of our lives. He knows what struggles and pains we need to endure to become humble and giving and patient to our fellow man. He knows what uphill battles we'll need to climb to reach the potential we have inside our souls. He knows what our lives will be before we do, and we need him every step of the way to live up to that divine potential, live up to those celestial expectations. We are capable of so much but without him we are nothing. With an eye single to the glory of God, we accomplish great things and experience wonders of the world-by putting our lives and our trust in his hands.

We strive everyday to look at our lives and at the lives of those we love with an eternal perspective. What we go through on a day to day basis makes us who we need to be, who God needs us to be. We are his servants, we are his children, we are his most precious creations. We do his work, we share his message, we serve his people and we love with a fraction of the everlasting love he has for us. One of my best friends said something so profound a while ago. The day was bittersweet for me and he and I talked of many things. I shared a spiritual experience with him-one that I thought both of us could learn from. His reaction struck my heart and has stayed with me ever since. He said when we get to heaven and look back on our lives, we will be pleasantly surprised by how many times the Lord stepped in on our behalf. Sometimes as humans we don't always see the divine guidance leading our lives. Sometimes it can be something so small-to our eyes almost insignificant. But as the Book of Mormon states, in small and simple things are great things brought to pass.

I am reminded of the story of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob served seven years for her hand in marriage. During that time, I'm sure there were days he felt discouraged, disheartened, impatient and possibly even fearful that all his hard work and diligence would be in vain. Yet, look at the reward for his efforts. The prophet Joseph Smith worked and prepared himself to receive the gold plates. The Lord knew that when the prophet was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually ready-the work could go forth. The Lord prepares us every day for the challenges ahead. He stays by our side continously as we face persecution from either our fellow man or our common enemy. Satan wants us all to be miserable like unto himself-the scriptures tell us that. He does not want us to be happy, to live the commandments of the living God or to return to our heavenly home with those we love forever. The Lord has promised us that he will never leave us, that he will never abandon us and that if we have faith in his name and do all that we can, he will lift us up at the last day. He will make our burdens light. He will be our mediator and our firm foundation. He will never forsake us. He holds his arms open to us at all times and we need but fall on our knees, thank him for his never ending blessings and allow him to guide and influence us for good.

I look back over the past couple years of my life and I see all the experiences the Lord has blessed me with. The people I have met, the talents I have strengthened, the places I have traveled and the opportunities for growth I have gained. I would not be who I am today without the positive example of so many people and for the journeys I traveled in this life. I changed my mind this weekend. I thought I knew what I wanted. Yet, the Lord often has a bigger plan for us then we do for ourselves. Maybe I won't have to wait 7 years like Jacob. But patience is a virtue and often times, the Lord needs us to go through what we need to become who he knows we are capable of becoming. I said a long time ago that when the time is right, I won't back down and I won't look back. That will be it and nothing will ever falter or steer me from that course. This past weekend, I truly see what the Lord has done with the clay-the instrument in the master's hands. This is the time for men to prepare to meet God.

I may not be able to speak with our Savior face to face but I know he lives. I know he loves us and I know he died and was rescurrected so we may be with those we love forever. So we may be forgiven of our shortcomings and be cleansed. I know that everything happens for a reason and like Elder Holland said- "Sunday will always come." This Sunday, I am grateful for that knowledge. Also on this particular day I also thank the prophet Joseph Smith for the sacrifies he made for the early Saints, the Saints today and the countless Saints to come. He truly is a prophet of God. And "he did more, save Jesus only, for the redemption of his people and sealed his testimony with his blood. " (D&C) I stand by what I said. I know what I know. And I live the way I do because of what I know. I changed my mind. I know what I want. I've always known what I've wanted. The Lord needed me to be ready for it. "With God, nothing is impossible."

Lord-I'm ready. I'll go where you want me to go, I'll be who you want me to be.

what we want most

No, this will not be a continuation of my dating advice and blunders. I was practicing for something that ended up not coming to fruition. Fine by me, don't think the Wasatch Front wants to hear my dating 101s anyway.

This is me wondering what the heck I've done. You pray for something, you wish for something with all your heart and you do everything in your power to help it happen. Then when it does happen, you find yourself at a crossroads. Should you be happy with the knowledge you may finally be getting what you've wanted, what you've hoped for after all this time? Or do you wonder if this is simply God's way of saying "you've asked enough times, it will happen-but the end result may not be what you think."

Then, what happens if someone you care about more than life itself gets hurt or lives through a negative experience in order for you to get what you want? What happens if in order to fully accept and live with what you wished for you lose something else in the process? What happens if you can't get more than one "what you wish for" and so you have to choose between one or another? What happens if you finally get everything your heart desired but you dont know where to go or what to do from there?

To jump from what is known, what is comfortable, what is planned for into the abyss of unknown, unseen and unexpected is one of the scariest and longest jumps people can make. One of two things can happen. Either you find on the other side the best, most incredible result your head and heart could have ever hoped for, or you fall like a rock into an ever ending darkness wondering the whole way down why you were stupid enough to jump to begin with. Then, comes the impact. Your whole world crashes down around you and your heart, body and soul completely shatter while the rest of world points and laughs and scolds "see children? that's why you should never do what they did."

Yet, what of the other option? The option that allows you to be happier than you've ever been, to live through adventures you're only dreamed of, to experience emotions and feelings you've never been privy to before and to live a life full of joy, ecstasy and love. Pure, chaste, benevolent, even holy love. The type of love that sustains you through the hardest of days, the roughest of storms, the strongest of battles and the longest of times. The type of love that pushes you to be the best you can be, that changes your life simply by being there, that creates a world you never realized existed and opens doors to new possiblities, new dreams, new hope. The type of love you cling to with every ounce of strength in you, every core of your soul, every breath in your lungs, every pore of your skin, every beat of your heart and every ounce of your essence. The type of love you would do anything and everything for.

So, you close your eyes, pray with intent and sincerty of heart that the bridge will appear, let go of the sides and step out, fingers outstretched. What will await you when you open your eyes?

"Who knows? Here goes....."

Dating 101- Step One

No, I am not an expert. I'm not a novice. I'm not even a master. Yet, I've aquired some knowledge over the quarter century of my life. Knowledge that at times I follow and at times I completely reject. Which may or may not explain why I'm still single. Yet from my successes and not so successes I've picked up some basic elementary tips- the base work for how to and how not to date. Throw on top of that the state in which we live and the religion to which I'm a part, and it makes the "basics" even funnier.

Rule #1- be yourself. You will never win someone over by being someone you're not. It seems so simple and logical but you will be surprised. How many times do we wear a certain color, or a certain scent, or a certain pair of jeans because we think it will impress that one person who likes said color, scent or jeans? How many times do we look up a movie, book, production or sports team on Wikipedia so when it comes up in a conversation we can pretend to know what we are talking about? How many times do we listen to a song on I tunes or You Tube so we can sing along to it on the radio- thereby illicting the response "you like this song too? AWESOME!" Course, if you were to ask us the name of the c.d., band, or other singles-we wouldn't have a clue.

Yet, at times, we don't look past the initial "shock and awe" phase. We see what we want, we do what we have to to get what we want. When said person actually asks for our number, adds us on facebook or does the unthinkable and asks us out-we fly into a twitter. (Not literally of course-though I'm sure some people add it to the status the minute they get home. Or the minute mobile web comes up on their cell phone.) We plan the outfit, we plan the hair style, we plan the hour to minute to second activites. So what happens when on said first date, partner asks us about our "other" interests? "I know you love so and so, or you like listening to such and such, or you like to read whats amabucket....but what else do you like to do?" Well, now we find ourselves in a bit of a pickle. Do we continue to name and list things off we know the other person likes so we look and sound more like them? Or do we take a figurative step off the cliff and actually admit to our own individual tastes and opinions? We worked so hard to make ourselves appealing to the other person- do we step on all our hard work to actually look and sound like ourselves?

Here's a tip. You can be attracted to someone, you can flirt with someone, you can go out with someone, you can like someone and you can even love someone- and be different. Different is good. Different is great. We share common values, we share some common interests but in the end, we can share a love and a life together regardless of whether we like the same foods, books, movies or sports teams.

Though prepare to not talk to each other for a week in November if one of you is a Ute and one of you is a Cougar. Just saying.

Step 2- Quit looking for the "right one" or the "perfect one" the first few go arounds. You'll be bitterly disappointed.

The People You Just Can't Live Without

It's official. I have the most amazing friends on the planet. And yes, I'm fully aware I'm completely biased. Yet, these people love me for who I am- not who I could be, not who I once was, not even who they wish I would be. They love me for me. They love me because I'm me. And while their influence help make me a better person- they still stick by me and support me even when I fall flat of expectations. They don't ask for perfection, because heaven knows I'm lacking in that department. Yet, they do ask for the best parts of me. They stand by me in all areas of my life, they understand my thoughts, my fears and my innermost desires. They listen to the same stories over and over again. They offer advice and graciously accept when I follow through and don't get offended when I don't. (Which happens. LOL)

They help make me who I am today and I'm so grateful for everything they've given me and continue to give me. They all own my heart and I can't imagine my life without them.

There are so many who have touched my life and my world and I don't have time or room to thank them all. Friends from Viewmont, Riverview, MHS, the U, Youth Theatre, Murray shows, Magna shows, Sandy shows, Rodgers shows, stake shows, politics, choir, church- so many names, faces and godsends. Not too mention all my "second moms" and my second family- the NYC angels. However, there is a special group of "Musketeers" that I want to send a shout out too.

Chels, Emmy, Kimmy, Sissy, Niks, Stace and Papa B- you truly are my best friends in the universe. Each one of you means more to me than I could possibly say. I hold countless memories of time spent with each of you. You each teach me so much every day. You all inspire me and I love you with my entire heart.

I lived through quite a weekend this past weekend- feeling almost every emotion imaginable. And it was my friends- Musketeers, Partners in Crime, Cohorts and Friendly Faces alike-who got me through it. I'm truly one of the luckiest girls in the world.

whats best for you-

So who decides what is best for one individual over another? Who gets to decide whether something or someone is worth your time and energy? Who gets to choose whether they get what they want or what they deserve? Or is that the same thing? Who gets to clarify what it is that someone deserves or earns? Do we really deserve anything? Do we truly get what we give? Do we reap what we sow? When it comes to relationships, friendships, dating- can we say that we do or dont deserve someone? That when we are committed to someone we automatically think they will give unto us as we give unto them? Does every favor have to be repaid? Is it done out of love or out of duty? Tradition? How do we determine or who gets to determine what is good for us? And then do we listen to the answer that is given? Or do we decide for ourselves that no matter what is placed in front of us, we will be happy regardless? Can we be happy regardless or do things have to work out as planned? Can things work out even if they are the exact opposite of how we planned? And what if how we planned them turns out to be bad for us? Or what if the exact opposite turns out to be what is best for us? Is that what we deserve? Or do we deserve nothing- having to work for every blessing we have.

All I know is what is best for me is to wait and see how the plan plays out. I can't answer the question of "what do I deserve?" I know what I want. Maybe, for now, thats enough.