what thinks Christ of me?

tough question. though sometimes a tougher questions is- what do we think of ourselves?

isn't it true that the adversary often will make us believe we are past saving? we are past hope? we've done so many terrible things in our lives that it's no use going back- or making amends- or starting over? similar to yoda's warning to Luke Skywalker "once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny...."

not true.

no man, woman or child is so far gone, so far off the path that they can't find their way back home. back to those who love them and who have prayed for them night after night. back to those who don't judge or look down or criticize. because as we learned today in conference- we all sin. we just have different ones than the neighbor down the street. we also were reminded even the smallest twig of faith can sometimes be enough. and even the strongest tree still can use a little polish.

Miracles do happen- though sometimes not immediately. and sometimes not in the ways we originally expected or imagined. some are so small- we might miss them. some are so lifechanging- it may frighten us when we actually see it, realize it, accept it. For i feel miracles are similar to other blessings in our life- if we don't acknowledge where they came from, they can be taken away. The scriptures tell us that is one moment when our Father and his Son grow weary of mankind- when they do not give celestial credit where it is due.

Bad things happen to good people. It isn't because God is viscious or malicious. It isn't because he is merciless or loveless. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle. And while we often times question our own strength- and question just how much we can handle- he gives us the tools and the skills we need to succeed. Even if it's another person or thing which helps carry the burden for us. Or even if it's just an open heart to allow him to call the shots.

I'll be honest. My heart and my head haven't been on the same page lately. My heart is still reeling from my last relationship/friendship- whatever you would call it. A Charles Dickens moment- the best and worst year and a half of my life. i don't regret any of it. however, i feel like a different person now. jaded. weary. defensive. beaten. heartbroken. weak. my view of myself is completely altered. i wonder how i could be so sure of something- just to watch it crumble around me and throw me into a fiery pit. crash and burn is the understatement of the century.

Yet, even with a tangled and discombulated view of myself- something tells me Christ's and Heavenly Father's view of me hasn't changed. He's been there for all of it. He's watched us through all of it. There were moments they were proud and moments when they were disappointed. But their love and peace were constantly with us- for every step and every misstep. Even now, as i learn the healing is going to take a lot longer than I thought- I know they won't leave me. They won't desert me. They won't abandon me. Are there things which need to change? yes. are there things i need to work on and improve? yes. are there things i need to sacrifice? yes. will it take time? yes. (patience and i do NOT get along.)

Through time though- i can see the angels they placed in my life to help me through it. i can see the outreached hands which are there to guide and direct me. which can hold me up as i fall to the ground in tears. which can walk with me through the smoke and flames. which can point me toward the star in the heaven and remind me how to wish, to dream, to live, to love. which can pray with me and raise their voice when mine is too far gone. which can carry me when i just can't move any further.

my heart won't be open or available anytime soon. those who know the story will understand this. yet it's comforting to remember there is one in my life who knows exactly how i'm feeling- because he felt it himself. he loved me enough- he LOVES me enough to feel that- and every other pain, affliction and grievance. he loves me enough to suffer for me. to suffer for both of us.

i have a lot to live up to.