what thinks Christ of me?

tough question. though sometimes a tougher questions is- what do we think of ourselves?

isn't it true that the adversary often will make us believe we are past saving? we are past hope? we've done so many terrible things in our lives that it's no use going back- or making amends- or starting over? similar to yoda's warning to Luke Skywalker "once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny...."

not true.

no man, woman or child is so far gone, so far off the path that they can't find their way back home. back to those who love them and who have prayed for them night after night. back to those who don't judge or look down or criticize. because as we learned today in conference- we all sin. we just have different ones than the neighbor down the street. we also were reminded even the smallest twig of faith can sometimes be enough. and even the strongest tree still can use a little polish.

Miracles do happen- though sometimes not immediately. and sometimes not in the ways we originally expected or imagined. some are so small- we might miss them. some are so lifechanging- it may frighten us when we actually see it, realize it, accept it. For i feel miracles are similar to other blessings in our life- if we don't acknowledge where they came from, they can be taken away. The scriptures tell us that is one moment when our Father and his Son grow weary of mankind- when they do not give celestial credit where it is due.

Bad things happen to good people. It isn't because God is viscious or malicious. It isn't because he is merciless or loveless. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle. And while we often times question our own strength- and question just how much we can handle- he gives us the tools and the skills we need to succeed. Even if it's another person or thing which helps carry the burden for us. Or even if it's just an open heart to allow him to call the shots.

I'll be honest. My heart and my head haven't been on the same page lately. My heart is still reeling from my last relationship/friendship- whatever you would call it. A Charles Dickens moment- the best and worst year and a half of my life. i don't regret any of it. however, i feel like a different person now. jaded. weary. defensive. beaten. heartbroken. weak. my view of myself is completely altered. i wonder how i could be so sure of something- just to watch it crumble around me and throw me into a fiery pit. crash and burn is the understatement of the century.

Yet, even with a tangled and discombulated view of myself- something tells me Christ's and Heavenly Father's view of me hasn't changed. He's been there for all of it. He's watched us through all of it. There were moments they were proud and moments when they were disappointed. But their love and peace were constantly with us- for every step and every misstep. Even now, as i learn the healing is going to take a lot longer than I thought- I know they won't leave me. They won't desert me. They won't abandon me. Are there things which need to change? yes. are there things i need to work on and improve? yes. are there things i need to sacrifice? yes. will it take time? yes. (patience and i do NOT get along.)

Through time though- i can see the angels they placed in my life to help me through it. i can see the outreached hands which are there to guide and direct me. which can hold me up as i fall to the ground in tears. which can walk with me through the smoke and flames. which can point me toward the star in the heaven and remind me how to wish, to dream, to live, to love. which can pray with me and raise their voice when mine is too far gone. which can carry me when i just can't move any further.

my heart won't be open or available anytime soon. those who know the story will understand this. yet it's comforting to remember there is one in my life who knows exactly how i'm feeling- because he felt it himself. he loved me enough- he LOVES me enough to feel that- and every other pain, affliction and grievance. he loves me enough to suffer for me. to suffer for both of us.

i have a lot to live up to.

love

for most of my close friends- they will simply laugh and shake their heads at my next statement.

i've been in love before. i've fallen in love before. I've loved before. usually when i give my heart to someone it's completely and it usually takes hell or high water to steer me from that course. and i usually fall to a million pieces when hell comes crashing down. then after a LONG recovery process- i tentatively step back into the ring again. Usually I'm bruised, battered and bleeding- but i take a deep breath and then plunge. Better to have loved and lost, right?

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Whoever thought of that obviously never loved anyone. Whoever wrote that obviously never lost anyone. They don't know how breathless you feel when you look at them. How your entire body starts shaking just by thinking of them. how you smile when you hear their voice. how you warm inside by looking in their eyes. how your life is better just by knowing them. how your heart skips a beat when you hear them say your name. how joy fills the room when you hear them laugh. how nothing is better than the feeling of being in their arms. how you can tell the world to them, and never run out of things to talk about. how the safest place in the world is in their world, their peace, their soul. how home is them. They don't know how it feels to have that home ripped apart. how you can't breathe when they leave. how you can't function without their voice in your head. how you can't stand without them to hold you. how you can't smile without their smile. how you can't live your life without them. how everything you once loved, you once leaned on is gone. The light, the warmth, the joy, the love- dead at your feet.

Some would say it's better to never feel, to never put yourself out there so then you never get hurt. There is some validity in that. I wouldn't have cried half the tears I've cried over the years, or had my heart broken so many times if I hadn't risked so much to get there. But then who would I be? where would I be? what would i be? The twists and turns of life are the paths we have to follow to get us where we are. As Rascal Flatts say "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you." and it was broken- many times. There were days I didn't think I a- ever put the pieces back together or b-find all the pieces at all. But here I am. And up until recently, I was pretty happy with the stitched reflection staring back at me.

Now the winds of change have viciously ripped and tore at me until all my pieces are back on the floor- scattered and shattered into a million pieces. and the glue i would need to put them back together- i already used on up on someone else. SOmeone who needed it much more than I did. Someone who needed my support and my trust and my love. Someone who needed to be put back together and held together to face the many storms still to come. I knew that was where i needed to be. I knew that was what I needed to do. what kind of friend/person would I be if I hadn't? but now you wonder- what is left for me? When I need to be put back together- will there be anything left? and now that they're "okay"- do they even need me anymore? I need them in order to breathe, to face each day, to get out of bed. But do I even register in their mind or heart anymore? or after I serve my purpose, do I get thrown on the bottom of the pile- only to pulled out again in dire straights? but what kind of condition will I be in at that point? When I spent every moment hoping and praying to get out from the bottom.

perhaps it is better to never love- then you never lose. but you lose out on all the wonderful, beautiful parts of it all. Parts that I wouldn't trade for anything. Parts that are now the best memories of my life. Parts that I hold on to because right now, that's all I have left. Parts which are hanging on my a thread. I don't have enough glue to keep them together for very much longer. Then once they're broken- there's no going back. Once I'm broken- I'm lost.

I'm lost now- lost in your eyes, lost in your smile, lost in your touch, lost in you. And without those eyes, that smile, that touch, that voice- I'm lost. and once i lose it all- i lose life. only have so many days left- I don't want to lose another moment. letting you go will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. and I honestly don't think i have the strength to do it. this heart just isn't strong enough. i can't lose you again.......i'd be broken beyond repair. all thanks to love.

by this point, my close friends will just shake their heads and look away. it isn't better to have loved and lost. because once you lose it, nothing gets better. it's not getting better. you haven't even left yet and I'm dying. i'm losing. i'm breaking apart. but i wouldn't have changed a thing.