Fears

There are three things in this life that scare me half to death...probably shouldn't be admitting tothis on the world wide web but whatever...

Number one- spiders. Yuck, yuck and yuck! Whoever thought that creating a tiny little animal with eight legs and creepy looking eyes was a good idea.....I know that they eat bugs and I know there must a be a good reason why they are on this planet...I just haven't figured it out yet. However, I do find it hilarious that I am so frightened of something so small. But you find me one person who doesn't think that they are at least a little creepy....

Number two- sharks.Now, I know that living here in Utah sharks are the last thing I have to worry about. However, you will also never find me watching Jaws any time soon. I mean, my family went to Sea World a few years ago and we walked down the tunnel for the shark exhibit...it's a long tunnel with glass on either side and the sharks come right up to the glass and open their mouth and show off all their teeth. Now I am terrified of drowning...so the whole time I am walking down the path i'm thinking in my head..."If this glass breaks not only are we going to be eaten by sharks, we're gonna drown." NO thank you!

Number three- snakes. I hate em! I hate em! They are the nastiest animals I have ever seen. I am still trying to figure out what good they bring to the world. I get the hibbe jibbes when I see them in zoos, but when I see the out in public.....yeech! I have had a snake crawl under my legs when I was hiking one time...on a hike with my dad and brother we saw not one, not two but THREE baby rattlesnakes....and I have seen two snakes behind my place of employment which is in Salt Lake. I mean, work is supposed to be a place of refuge from stuff like that....

Then last night, I had the creepiest dream. I dreamed that I was surrounded by snakes, that they were all over my house and I couldn't get away from them. That my friends, is my definition of a nightmare. What I'm wodnering is- how much of that dream was a metaphor for what may be coming.....

It's interesting that one of my best friends has the exact same fear.....the same best friend that knows allof mine....with everything that happened this last weekend....I'm starting to connect the dots....and I'm starting to see where they might lead....and maybe that scares me the most....

So my friend "Kimmy" sent me a postcard from Nauvoo where she is serving a mission this summer. She is a performing missionary and was teasing about how hot and humid it was. She's living off otter pops. She asked me how my life was, including boys and work. So, I thought about it and (since I still haven't written her back yet) came up with my answer.

So a funny thing happened to me this weekend....I realized that when you sit back and let divine providence run your life, things tend to work out better than you originally thought. Now, I am not going to be overly religious here but I am going to say this. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason, either to teach us something or to make us into the kind of people we are capable of being. Do bad things happen to good people? Yes. Do good things happen to people who may not deserve them? Yes. But, we have to take the life that is given to us and make the most of it. Then, regardless of what you believe, you can work your way to being happy and being complete. Once I finally just let go and let God lead me, there are some many more directions I can go.

That's what I learned this weekend. And I'm so grateful for that. So, here's to living life one day at a time, and remembering who it is that helps us live it.

So, Kimmy (and the world), that is how my life has been going. Finally in the direction I want it to. Interestingly, I also realized that sometimes when you close a door, or think one is closing-it's only allowing a handful of others to open in your favor. I'm so glad that I have a lot of open doorways in front of me. I'm excited to see where they will lead.

Haven't Seen me in A While...

A lot can happen in the two months you forget to add to your blog....course I fell into the trap of creating a myspace page....which lead me to create a facebook account....and now I'm all over. I used to tease people "I'm not going to do something just because everyone else is doing it." And, for the most part, I've stuck to that. I still haven't seen a "live" episode of American Idol. I haven't watched an episode of AI the night it was actually on since halfway through season 3. But, I will be cheering Archuleta on this coming Tuesday.....when I find his performances on youtube.

Life for me is as crazy as ever. Radio certainly keeps you on your toes. But, I like it that way. Course, it is a Saturday and I do have to work...again.....but how many other people have had the chance to be on the radio? Meet some of their favorite artists? Interact with such cool listeners? Get to go to concerts and movie premieres for free? I mean, just two days ago, my boss was able to interview Chris Martin from Coldplay. How many other people can claim that? :)

Course, I'm peeved my Jazz lost last night. The first half was a complete and total joke, but the 4th quarter was HUGE! We came back from a 19 point deficit....to lose by 3. THREE!!!!! Why can our three points shots not go in at the buzzer? I mean, Stockon's did against the Rockets...can't history repeat itself???

Then again, with my luck....I'd almost say....maybe it's better history stay the same. :)

Different Sides to Different People

I saw an old friend today. Now this old friend and I parted on very ugly terms. In fact, this was the first time I had seen or heard from old friend in about two years. The interesting thing is when I saw this old friend- initially it was awkward. But as the evening wore on I realized something. Regardless of how things ended or where things go...that's all he is. Just an old friend that I happened to see one night.
It's interesting the things that we spend so much time ruminating on in the moment that are so meaningless in the future. Truth, some moments are more traumatic than others. There are certainly times in our lives where we seem justified in stressing out or in assigning blame or contempt. We can hold as many grudges as we'd like-but in the end, there is truth to the saying that time does heal all wounds.
Now this particular wound with this old friend took a while to heal. The nice thing about tonight was the realization I came to. Perhaps this wound healed a long time ago but it took that one defining moment to realize it. I wish nothing but the best for this old friend and I am glad to see he is doing well.
I have another friend who hurt me very deeply by something that was said not too long ago. And I'm sure that with this friend, it will hurt and time will have to be a factor in when I heal. But the nice part about life is I will heal. Sometimes sooner than others, but the healing and the help is there. I just have to remember where to look.
But for now, I'll grieve over the fact that once again, I'm waiting.

Expectations

So I've waited for different experiences in my life, and each one has fallen flat on its face. The two most recent surround my college graduation and one this past weekend.
maybe I put too much stock into these experiences to begin with. I realized that the next big day that is all about me probably won't be until I get married. So, I tried to make graduation day one of the funnest days possible. Well, it was fun, but it wasn't what I had thought it was going to be.
Then, this past weekend, I had something happen to me that hasn't happened the more than 20 years I've been alive. My best friend and I talked about it last night. We had a conversation that I had waited years to have. And in the moment, the experience was crazy and amazing. But looking back, it wasn't at all like I pictured and the more I thought about it, wasn't at all what I wanted.
I have a friend at work who talks to me about everything. This friend has told me on many occasions that they would like to teach me about the world and the adventures that go along with it. I almost wish I had taken their advice and let them "teach me." But for now, at least I have a story and a "new years eve" story at that.
The downside is, I don't quite see what the big deal is. maybe next time, i won't expect anything at all. Then, i won't be disappointed when it doesn't turn out the way I thought it would. Maybe, it will be even better.

C

My Immortal

I love this song by Evanescence. The lyrics always hit me hard and especially now. I've found out recently that often times there are wounds that regardless of how much time you give them, they never seem to heal. There are certain people who will always steal all the breath from your body. And there are certain periods of time that you will never forget-no matter how hard you try. This song reminds me of that. I just wish everything I just said wasn't true. (BTW- those two cute guys I'm standing in between.....dad and big bro. Two men I can always count on.)

C

'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave' Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me

Aliases

One thing about working in radio is very often, the person you are talking to is not the person you are talking to.

Case in point, you can have a deejay who's real name is something like Charlie South. Now, that isn't the world's best on air name now, is it? So Charlie decides to make a better image for himself he's going to change it. Now if he were in a country format he might go for something like "Chuck" or "Shane." If he were in the alternative market he might swing toward "Alex", "Dex" or "Ian." Adult Contemporary he'd want something that rolls off the tongue. Maybe "Shawn South" or some other name that fits in well with alliteration. Now for a rock station he wanted something a little more hardcore like "Drummer" or something to that effect. But he'd want it to be something memorable.

Now in addition to creating his own name, he would then work on making a persona to go along with it. Now this is where it gets confusing. So let's say he goes by "Rustic Chuck" on the most popular country station in the market. (aka-the most listened to country station in the city.) Now, when you bump into him at the station building he's most likely to do a few things. He could either A) introduce himself as "Rustic Chuck" and only answer if addressed as "Rustic Chuck" B) introduce himself as "R.C" when listeners are around but then talk to others as "Charlie" or C) conduct himself as "Charlie" at the station but when he goes to on air remotes off site then refer to himself as "Rustic Chuck" The question then rises, who is he and what is he? Should you call him "Chuck" or "Charlie"? And what does he call himself? Because at the end of the day, whatever and whoever he is on air, he still goes home as "Charlie South."

That raises another question, how did he get the name "Rustic Chuck" anyways? You'd be surprised how some people come up with their names. Some don't have a choice. They are hired to be a deejay on a station and that station tells them, "You will now be known as.....fill in the blank." Some are able to come up with their own names and carry them from station to station. What I've noticed recently is some deejays keep their first names and give themselves a different last name for their on air work. For example, if your first name was "John" and your last name was "Peterson" or something like that-you may go by "John Smith" or "Johnny Appleseed" or something to that effect. Make sense?

Then there's me. My friend and I were teasing the other night about how I should have an on air name. (Even though I really have no aspirations to be on air. It's fun the handful of times I've done it, but I wouldn't make a career out of it. Besides, I'm just the "cute" distraction if you were. Anyways, we were throwing names around and I suggested "Tess." She replied that I didn't look or sound like a "tess." So I mentioned it to one of my friends at work and he suggested I just keep my regular name as it is so unique anyway. I guess that my name will come in time. I'll keep you "posted" no put intended. HA!!!

Oh btw-happy turkey day and GO UTES!!

C