what thinks Christ of me?

tough question. though sometimes a tougher questions is- what do we think of ourselves?

isn't it true that the adversary often will make us believe we are past saving? we are past hope? we've done so many terrible things in our lives that it's no use going back- or making amends- or starting over? similar to yoda's warning to Luke Skywalker "once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny...."

not true.

no man, woman or child is so far gone, so far off the path that they can't find their way back home. back to those who love them and who have prayed for them night after night. back to those who don't judge or look down or criticize. because as we learned today in conference- we all sin. we just have different ones than the neighbor down the street. we also were reminded even the smallest twig of faith can sometimes be enough. and even the strongest tree still can use a little polish.

Miracles do happen- though sometimes not immediately. and sometimes not in the ways we originally expected or imagined. some are so small- we might miss them. some are so lifechanging- it may frighten us when we actually see it, realize it, accept it. For i feel miracles are similar to other blessings in our life- if we don't acknowledge where they came from, they can be taken away. The scriptures tell us that is one moment when our Father and his Son grow weary of mankind- when they do not give celestial credit where it is due.

Bad things happen to good people. It isn't because God is viscious or malicious. It isn't because he is merciless or loveless. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle. And while we often times question our own strength- and question just how much we can handle- he gives us the tools and the skills we need to succeed. Even if it's another person or thing which helps carry the burden for us. Or even if it's just an open heart to allow him to call the shots.

I'll be honest. My heart and my head haven't been on the same page lately. My heart is still reeling from my last relationship/friendship- whatever you would call it. A Charles Dickens moment- the best and worst year and a half of my life. i don't regret any of it. however, i feel like a different person now. jaded. weary. defensive. beaten. heartbroken. weak. my view of myself is completely altered. i wonder how i could be so sure of something- just to watch it crumble around me and throw me into a fiery pit. crash and burn is the understatement of the century.

Yet, even with a tangled and discombulated view of myself- something tells me Christ's and Heavenly Father's view of me hasn't changed. He's been there for all of it. He's watched us through all of it. There were moments they were proud and moments when they were disappointed. But their love and peace were constantly with us- for every step and every misstep. Even now, as i learn the healing is going to take a lot longer than I thought- I know they won't leave me. They won't desert me. They won't abandon me. Are there things which need to change? yes. are there things i need to work on and improve? yes. are there things i need to sacrifice? yes. will it take time? yes. (patience and i do NOT get along.)

Through time though- i can see the angels they placed in my life to help me through it. i can see the outreached hands which are there to guide and direct me. which can hold me up as i fall to the ground in tears. which can walk with me through the smoke and flames. which can point me toward the star in the heaven and remind me how to wish, to dream, to live, to love. which can pray with me and raise their voice when mine is too far gone. which can carry me when i just can't move any further.

my heart won't be open or available anytime soon. those who know the story will understand this. yet it's comforting to remember there is one in my life who knows exactly how i'm feeling- because he felt it himself. he loved me enough- he LOVES me enough to feel that- and every other pain, affliction and grievance. he loves me enough to suffer for me. to suffer for both of us.

i have a lot to live up to.

love

for most of my close friends- they will simply laugh and shake their heads at my next statement.

i've been in love before. i've fallen in love before. I've loved before. usually when i give my heart to someone it's completely and it usually takes hell or high water to steer me from that course. and i usually fall to a million pieces when hell comes crashing down. then after a LONG recovery process- i tentatively step back into the ring again. Usually I'm bruised, battered and bleeding- but i take a deep breath and then plunge. Better to have loved and lost, right?

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Whoever thought of that obviously never loved anyone. Whoever wrote that obviously never lost anyone. They don't know how breathless you feel when you look at them. How your entire body starts shaking just by thinking of them. how you smile when you hear their voice. how you warm inside by looking in their eyes. how your life is better just by knowing them. how your heart skips a beat when you hear them say your name. how joy fills the room when you hear them laugh. how nothing is better than the feeling of being in their arms. how you can tell the world to them, and never run out of things to talk about. how the safest place in the world is in their world, their peace, their soul. how home is them. They don't know how it feels to have that home ripped apart. how you can't breathe when they leave. how you can't function without their voice in your head. how you can't stand without them to hold you. how you can't smile without their smile. how you can't live your life without them. how everything you once loved, you once leaned on is gone. The light, the warmth, the joy, the love- dead at your feet.

Some would say it's better to never feel, to never put yourself out there so then you never get hurt. There is some validity in that. I wouldn't have cried half the tears I've cried over the years, or had my heart broken so many times if I hadn't risked so much to get there. But then who would I be? where would I be? what would i be? The twists and turns of life are the paths we have to follow to get us where we are. As Rascal Flatts say "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you." and it was broken- many times. There were days I didn't think I a- ever put the pieces back together or b-find all the pieces at all. But here I am. And up until recently, I was pretty happy with the stitched reflection staring back at me.

Now the winds of change have viciously ripped and tore at me until all my pieces are back on the floor- scattered and shattered into a million pieces. and the glue i would need to put them back together- i already used on up on someone else. SOmeone who needed it much more than I did. Someone who needed my support and my trust and my love. Someone who needed to be put back together and held together to face the many storms still to come. I knew that was where i needed to be. I knew that was what I needed to do. what kind of friend/person would I be if I hadn't? but now you wonder- what is left for me? When I need to be put back together- will there be anything left? and now that they're "okay"- do they even need me anymore? I need them in order to breathe, to face each day, to get out of bed. But do I even register in their mind or heart anymore? or after I serve my purpose, do I get thrown on the bottom of the pile- only to pulled out again in dire straights? but what kind of condition will I be in at that point? When I spent every moment hoping and praying to get out from the bottom.

perhaps it is better to never love- then you never lose. but you lose out on all the wonderful, beautiful parts of it all. Parts that I wouldn't trade for anything. Parts that are now the best memories of my life. Parts that I hold on to because right now, that's all I have left. Parts which are hanging on my a thread. I don't have enough glue to keep them together for very much longer. Then once they're broken- there's no going back. Once I'm broken- I'm lost.

I'm lost now- lost in your eyes, lost in your smile, lost in your touch, lost in you. And without those eyes, that smile, that touch, that voice- I'm lost. and once i lose it all- i lose life. only have so many days left- I don't want to lose another moment. letting you go will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. and I honestly don't think i have the strength to do it. this heart just isn't strong enough. i can't lose you again.......i'd be broken beyond repair. all thanks to love.

by this point, my close friends will just shake their heads and look away. it isn't better to have loved and lost. because once you lose it, nothing gets better. it's not getting better. you haven't even left yet and I'm dying. i'm losing. i'm breaking apart. but i wouldn't have changed a thing.

first major photo shoot

All credit goes to Ceci Anderson- my old boss and one of my good friends- she is an amazing photographer and an incredible person.... so THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

sacrifice

an interesting term. the dictionary definition is the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim. Though there is also a shortened version of - to surrender something for the sake of something else.

What do we sacrifice in our lives either for the greater good of those around us or even for ourselves? Often times, we look at it from a physical perspective. Make a new years resolution to not each as much sugar, or drink as much pop, or watch as many movies or spend as much money. These are sacrifices. During Lent, many people make goals to abstain from certain items or activities. Granted this time frame isn't as long as prementioned resolutions- but those participating are still sacrificing something they desire. Yet, they are doing it for a higher purpose. To show their faith and their willingness to follow the rules, knowing they will be blessed for it in the long run.

We can look at time the same way. We sacrifice moments of our lives for certain activites. Church, work, performances, rehearsals, sports practices, shopping- all positive and all necessary at one point or another. And often times we reap more benefits from these activites then if we spent the time doing something else, or going somewhere else. So again, we give up something of our own in return for something better, something greater.

So now I get to the nitty gritty of the matter. The sacrifices we make for other people, and the willingness other people attain to make sacrifices for us. How do we determine what we will or won't give up for another person? This could be either in a family dynamic or a dating partnership or really any interpersonal relationship. What kinds of things do we give up for our friends, for our neighbors, for our co workers, for our congregation members or even for strangers? There have been times I've had to give up going somewhere because of a prior commitment to something or someone else. Yet still, how do we determine which decision to make? when do we ascertain the knowledge to make the best decision- give up something of our own or let someone else give up something of theirs? Do we become the better person by our willingness to surrender something? Or is there a point where we just don't have anything left to give?

Many people in my life recently have asked a simple question- should you be committed to someone if they aren't making the same effort in the relationship as you are? Now again, this could apply to any kind of relationship. If one party is giving, giving, giving and the other party is taking, taking, taking- should the relationship stay intact? Or should roads of communication be opened to bring the couple to a more balanced level? Or- if those are just the personalities of the two invovled, would communication even assist? But should you completely end a relationship with someone simply because the scales are uneven? This person may mean the world to you, and this person may shine light in certain corners of your life others don't have access to. This person may offer you escape from the hassles of the world- and make you believe that anything is possible. So should you cut the cords and let them free simply because they may not show their affection to you the same way you show affection to them?

Everyone expresses emotions differently. And you'd hope people would treat others the way they want to be treated. however, lately, I've begun to wonder just how much I have left in certain areas. This isn't meant to sound egotistical, but there are parts of my life, of my soul that I've given out in numerous circumstances. I have made several sacrifices for what I felt to be ther greater good. yet, I haven't always seen the benefits of those decisions. And I'm almost tapped out. So, what do I do now? Do I take time to replenish myself- take time to refill my glass so I see it as half full? Then, when something new (or renewed) comes along, I actually have the strength and the optimism to fully appreciate and understand it? Or do I simply keep doing what I'm doing and hope the results are more clear this time around? I took a moment and compared what I had done versus what someone else has. It wasn't meant to be derogatory or hurtful- it was to simply make a point. It shocked me the discrepancies between the two. I don't know if I can do that again. I don't know if I have the energy left to give so much- and have so little of it returned. Again, I know that sounds terrible, but it's how I'm feeling right now.

I'm emotionally and physically drained. I'm gracefully throwing in the towel- but also weary about future examples. how do I know I won't repeat the same pattern again and again and again? I probably shouldn't be asking this- but it's been on my mind. When will someone make the sacrifice for me? Though through it all, I know God is somewhere opening a window. I'll just have to keep looking for it- and then follow the pathway it leads me to. For after all, he knows where our lives are heading and the best way of getting us there.

Lead on kindly light. Lead on.

Redemption

So i've been stuck in 18th and 19th Century France lately. From A Tale of Two Cities, to Les Miserables to The Scarlet Pimpernel..... stories of people making decisions for their lives based not only on the situations around them, but on the spirit inside themselves. Decisions made from love, from conviction, from courage and from loss. Men and women who didn't think of themselves, but made choices to benefit those around them. And in some cases- granting second chances to souls who were in desperate need of them.

So that brings me to what i've been thinking about all weekend. Second chances. How many do we get in life- and how many do we grant to others? Are there certain people who don't "deserve" second chances? What would happen though if we were told we didn't "deserve" a second chance when we needed one- when we wanted one? Would we be similar to the unprofitable servant- who didn't forgive a small debt when his master already forgave him a larger one?

here's where I'm at right now. At some point in the near distant future, I'll be asking for a second chance myself. Well, actually- more like a millionth chance. It's something that's been coming for a long time. Something that has to happen in order for me, for my heart to move forward. Am I scared out of my bloody mind? You betcha. However, I need a finite answer to complete this cycle, this pathway, this journey. My soul yearns for absolution and for adoration. If this is the case where it happens- then it happens. And regardless of the outcome, I will finally know and be certain.

Yet, at the same time, my heart threw me a curve ball. Well not so much a curve ball as a friggin slam in the head with a Louisville Slugger. it's one of those "are you kidding me?" There's a line from a Kelly Clarkson song that fits perfectly my emotions this past weekend. "That is just you coming back when I've finally moved on...."- Well that and the Christina Perry song- but for different reasons. So now my heart is split in half. One half waiting, apprehensive about the second chance I'm going to ask for. The other half waiting, confused about the second chance I may have to give. But if the person asking for a second chance is one I don't trust, one who hurt me in the past- what is my reasoning for granting that second chance? But if I don't give one, why would someone else give me one?

however, I know my heart and I know what I can or can't handle. I am so afraid that by letting someone in, the same thing will happen to me that happened before. But I'm also afraid that by asking for something a second time, I'll get an answer I don't want- and that would hurt even more. And who am I to say that someone shouldn't get a second chance? Isn't life about forgiveness, and redemption and love? Looking past someone's shortcomings and mistakes- and seeing them for who they really are, who they truly are? And if they promise.....but I've had promises broken- by people I cared about more than anything. And that hurt beyond words. In some cases, it still hurts.

So what do I do? What do I say? The other part of this is I don't know if I can get both second chances at the same time. It's almost as if I get one or the other. so that's another question. Which one do I want more? Both would make me extremely happy. But both come with high level of risk. My heart could either be filled to overflowing, or be broken into a million pieces.

I think I need a little inspiration from Jean Valjean, Sydney Carton and Percy Blakeney.

Hope

"Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen....for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" Ether 12:6

yes, fully aware the scripture refers to faith and I titled this post "hope." but we learn that you can't have faith without having hope- and you can't have hope without a seed of faith. unfortuantely, my seed of faith lost a few leaves these past couple of weeks.

I understand human emotion. At least I thought I did. I understand that people have to do what is best for them. They have to make decisions leading to their ultimate happiness. There are two beings who know EXACTLY what will make us happiest. They give us all the opportunities and chances to find that happiness for ourselves. But sometimes we get in our own way. Sometimes it's our own choices, our own decisions that keep us from happiness, keep us from joy. Though sometimes it's other people's decisions that keep us from where we want to be.

I'm not going to spend this time bashing someone. I'm not going to spend this time bashing myself. Life happens. Sometimes in a way we envision in our heads, and sometimes the exact opposite of what we wanted. Sometimes the very thing we were afraid of lies spread eagle in front of us. We can't walk past it, we can't ignore it, we have to deal with it. God is trying to teach us something- even if it's "I know this going to hurt. But I know you. I know you can handle it. I know you are strong enough to get through this. I am not going to give you anything that you can't handle....and I'll be there through it all."

Though there are times when I think he has more faith in me than I do in myself. But he does know us. he knows us better than we know ourselves. And sometimes in order to remind us just how much he loves us, he puts people in our lives to help us through these times of fear, of pain. he knows he can trust these messengers, these heavenly angels with just the right words, just the right timing, just the right action to help us along, to lift us up, to keep us moving. When a promise is broken, when a heart is shattered, when a light is burned out- he sends us an anchor, a bandage, a candle- a beacon of hope.

Am I still a little jaded? yes. will i be jaded for awhile? yes. do i feel betrayed, let down, irritated and hurt? yes. am i allowed to feel that way? yes. We're human. We're allowed to feel every negative emotion. It's only when we allow these negative emotions to control our lives we run into difficulty. But like one of my best friends- one of my "beacon of hope" said the other night..."that doesn't make you a bad person."

I hope not.

how life can change

wow. in one word that pretty much sums up the last few weeks of my life.

On a Saturday night back in November, I made a decision- a decision that inadvertently changed the course of my life and my world. It's funny to me though that in making said decision, I was able to let go-to finally set aside a dream I had for more than two and a half years. I thought nothing would top it, nothing would surpass it. This was my future-and I would do anything and everything I had to - to make it a reality. Little did I know God had other plans.

I try to let God lead my life, try to fully understand when his plan doesn't always mesh with mine. I know, at the end of the day, his plan is better suited for my life than mine. That he always knows what he's doing. Some days it's easier to accept than others. But that November night, I looked up to the sky and said, "I am throwing in the towel. I can't do this anymore. This is what I've decided to do. Please let me know if this is what you want for me to do." My heart literally broke that night, but it also was born again. Like a phoenix, it rose from the ashes of my shattered dream and allowed me the opportunity to see things a new and different light.

Now, I'm slowly chipping away at a wall with a needle, hoping one day the smallest crack will appear. But I know, deep within me I know, the path will reveal itself. I never thought I'd be at his point in my life. Today was an interesting day for me. I saw the old me, the me who thought she had all the answers, the me who planned out her entire life based off one night, the me who never thought outside of "this is what I want." Now, it wasn't a bad "old me." It just isn't who I am anymore. The new me, while still cautious and fragile, has a new perspective. Suddenly, I'm not the one who's needs protecting. Suddenly I'm not the one who needs lifting up. Suddenly, I'm not the one who needs reassuring. Not only that, i find myself in a very similar situation to someone else in my life- who up until tonight I didn't have the strongest feelings for. Now I realize, she and I have more in common than I thought.

So who is this new me? Will she survive whatever the Lord puts in front of her? I think so. Because my life has changed for the better these past few weeks. My life has changed period. I'm not who I used to be. And I'm perfectly okay with that. And whatever happens from here on out- happens. It's like a good friend said to me today, "things will work out the way the Lord wants them to work out." I just never would have believed they would work out this way. But, that's the thing with making promises to the Lord. You better keep them.