Ditching The Scale- Worth Its "Weight" in Gold :)

I’ve struggled with weight all my life.  That may surprise some people- but for me it’s been about the correlation to my weight and my self-worth, self-image, self-confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. Growing up I was very slender.  Because I danced a lot- and my metabolism kicked in at a very early age, I had a more relaxed eating habit and was moving quite a bit.   In junior high though, I dealt with some of the same societal pressures and expectations many of our young women face today. This crazy idea stating the only way boys will like you, the only way you’ll make friends, the only you’ll feel successful, the only way you’ll feel beautiful, the only way you hold any value is if you fit a certain pre-determined size and shape.  If you don’t fall in this unrealistic and often unattainable cookie cutter image, you failed. Not only that, but you have to work twice as hard and spend twice as much money to reach this impossible goal and “ideal.” And even then, someone will find something wrong with you and determine you can’t be part of this “elite” club- thereby leaving you with feelings of denial and anger and bitterness and discouragement and self-loathing.  Sad thing is- these “ideals” and these feelings don’t go away as you get older- if anything- they get even worse.

Like I said before, I’ve always been slender.  But in the past couple of years, I realized (the hard way I might add), my metabolism doesn’t work the same way it used to. My hips and waist and thighs aren’t the same size they used to be. There are parts of my body which jiggle which never jiggled before. There are parts of my body which touch that never touched before. There are certain outfits I can’t wear right now, certain articles of clothing which won’t fit over my hips or shoulders.  There are certain sizes I never thought I’d have to shop for, but that’s what I’m shopping for.  And for some women, myself included, they may look at these things and think “what’s wrong with me? why can’t I look like everyone else? Why can’t I look like I did in high school? Why can’t I weigh what my driver’s license says I weigh?” (not like we’ve never lied about THAT before- LOL.)”  Unfortunately, some of us believe our value and our worth comes from what size we are or what our measurements are.

Now last year, after realizing I’d gained about 25 pounds- I talked with my doctor at a physical and she suggested going on the South Beach Diet to try and trim away some of the pounds and inches. I did it for about two months. The weight fell off like crazy. And I’ll be straight up- it was kind of nice hearing comments like ‘you look fantastic!” or “I’m so proud of you” or “I can tell you’ve been working hard” or “your waist is so tiny!” I’m not saying losing weight is a bad thing- I’m not saying you shouldn’t work hard if that’s a goal you set for yourself.  Like I said, I felt good hearing some of these comments- and because I made the decision MYSELF to lose the weight- it was a good motivator for me. Now some of those healthy eating habits I discovered and dedicated myself to haven’t been as strong for me the past little while. And I’ve gained some of that weight back.  And I get frustrated when I put pants on which don’t fit. Or when I get out of the shower- see myself in the mirror and don’t like the image staring back at me. But I realized something the other day.  Often times, there is so much pressure to be thin, skinny, slender, lean- whatever. I feel like there isn’t as much emphasis on being “healthy.”  Think about it. How many times do you see billboards or hear ads on either the radio or television or read something in a magazine and it talks about “we will help you develop healthy eating habits” or “let us help you create a fitness plan right for your age and body type” or “let us help you feel better about yourself regardless of your size.” I don’t know about the rest of you- but often times, all I hear or see is “we’ll help shave off those pounds and inches- call us today for a laser treatment” or some kind of sculpting or an out-patient procedure of some kind.  And I also see the “pinnacles” of feminine beauty as being size 2 sticks who barely have enough skin to cover their bones.  I think Calvin Klein is currently facing heat over that very issue- with their “plus size” model who is a size 10.  (Note to Calvin Klein- that’s actually the “normal” size for many women- especially the women you are trying to reach.) Rather than trying to teach people behaviors and actions which they can carry the rest of their life-  society is pushing all these “quick fixes” to make every woman look just like everyone else. Even diets- and yes I had success with South Beach and I’m not saying diets don’t work- but how many diets actually teach women how to keep weight off and still be healthy- rather than just losing pounds quickly?

There isn’t anything wrong with being a size 2. There isn’t anything wrong with getting one of those procedures or going to one of those places. There isn’t anything wrong with going to the gym 5 days a week or following a diet’s strict or loose guidelines. My only point is to ask the question- “why are we doing it?” and again- I’m guilty of this myself. Do we do this all because we WANT to? Because we feel like it will make us happier? Because we feel like it will make us prettier? Because we feel like it will make us healthier? Why is it so many people have a new year’s resolution to lose weight? Because they are medically obese and they need to lose inches and pounds to prevent any future issues? Because they have a BMI which puts them in the overweight column and that’s a place they don’t want to be? Because they want to be able to fit into their favorite outfits again or wear that sexy dress to the holiday party? Why is it as summer approaches I always see commercials telling women “get a bikini or beach ready body in blank amount of days?”  Why aren’t there are more commercials saying something like “feel comfortable and confident in your own skin and come find a swimming suit which will be perfect for your body type- no matter what it is.” I have a bikini- and I wore it this summer (albeit once.) Do I have the picture perfect beach bunny body? Heck no. Do I have a bit of a muffin top right now? yes. But you know what? I put on that swimsuit, went to a friend’s birthday party, slid down their water slide and had an absolute blast. Because I wasn’t worried about how I might look or what people might think about how I looked. I was there to have fun.

Again, I’m not trying to point fingers or make anyone feel bad for their own eating or exercise habits- or non-habits. Like I said, I’ve been on both sides of this.  I’ve been the thin tadpole- and now I’m the fuller frog. (warts and all- LOL.) Yet, I don’t base my own self-image or self-confidence or self-worth on my size.  Will I ever be the size I was in high school? Probably not. Will I ever be the size I was in college? Maybe. Will I ever be able to wear the collection of suits and shirts and skirts currently hanging in my closet which won’t fit over parts of my body? Maybe. And if I’m not able to ever fit into them again- that’s okay. Our bodies change as we get older and go through life changing experiences. You have kids, your body is going to change. You become sexually active- your body is going to change. You have a full time job where you sit all the time- your body is going to change. And even just going from year to year- your body changes. There isn’t anything wrong with that. If you currently are at a size or a shape you don’t like- maybe ask yourself- why don’t I like it? Do I think I’m too fat? Too skinny? Or, are there things I can do to make myself healthier? If I lose inches and pounds because of it- good. If I gain a higher sense of self and learn to love myself for it- better. I’m currently trying to eat better and exercise more- but I’m also not stepping on a scale at all this time around. I’m simply working to make myself healthy and not worry about what my “numbers” are.

Guess what- I wore a size 12 skirt to my brother’s wedding. You can see that I have hips and a butt in some of the pictures. But I also was told a lot how beautiful I looked that day. Because at the end of the day- it’s not our outside beauty which makes us shine- which makes us the people we are. Our true beauty comes from our spirits, our smiles, our souls, our eyes and our hearts.  Be happy with who you are- no matter what you look like. Be happy with who you are- no matter your size or shape. Be happy with you are- no matter what others may think or feel. Be happy with who you are- no matter the number. Be happy with who you are- imperfections, love handles, stretch marks and all. And if you do want to improve yourself- do it because YOU want to, not because you feel you HAVE to.  At the end of the day though- remember you are GORGEOUS- JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. :D

The Three V Words - dun dun dun

There are three “v” words which in our culture can either make or break you- especially if you are a female of the prominent religion.  If you don’t possess these three “v” words- often times you are ostracized, de-moralized and downsized. Apparently these three “v” words determine your self-worth, your self-identity, your self- esteem, your self-confidence and your self-image. These three “v” words are the breath of life- and if you lose even one of them before you are “supposed” to- your life as you know it is over.

However- this often isn’t the case in regards to men in this culture. Often times, men can lose one of these three “v” words and not face the same kind of obstacles, consequences or even social stigma. In some bizarre cases, it actually helps promote them and pump them in certain social circles. Perhaps it just isn’t looked at the same way in males as it is in females?  This could also correlate to why often times clothing standards seem much stricter for girls rather than boys?  Of course the stereotypical, determined masculinity of men and the over promoted femininity of girls is a topic for a completely different blog in and of itself.  Does it make a man any less of a man to wear a dress or put makeup on? Does it make a girl any less of a girl for wearing pants or having a buzz cut hair cut? But- I digress.

There were two instances these past few days which made me think of these three “v” words in a different fashion. Though actually, it just reinforced my opinion of these words and the impact they make on our society- whether for good or bad.  It also reminded me, sadly, some things never change- regardless of how many years pass. And that is a frightening and worrisome thought.

One of my best friends- the summer before our senior year in high school- revealed something to me. at first, I was shocked. Looking back, I’m ashamed that was my initial reaction- but at the time, it was the first emotion my body left me feel. Then I was afraid, worried and concerned for her. Would she be able to finish out our senior year? Would she be able to graduate high school? Would she be able to go on to college and do all the things we had talked about doing once we “grew up?” After a day or two, I realized something- and this has stayed with me ever since. Nothing she had done and nothing she would ever do would change the fact she was and still is- one of my best friends. She didn’t change one bit in my eyes. She was  still the wonderful and caring and thoughtful and kind friend she had always been- and if anything- I could now be the strength and courage she had always supplied me. I loved her for who she was and who she helped me to be. And I was there for her every step of the way. (Side note- not only did she walk with us later that year, she went on to get a double major, lives on her own and has had a good paying and steady job for the past few years.All the while, raising an incredible and amazing son.)  I noticed something though throughout the course of the school year. People, who up until then I thought had been her friend, suddenly had different views and different things to say about her once they found out.  Many times, people refused to even talk about her, as if she just disappeared off the face of the planet. Others thought it was their duty to let people know the decisions she had made in her life- as if they were the perfect and impartial judges on “good behavior.” Others- who I later found out were actually making some of the same “decisions” themselves- stood on their soapboxes and decried her behavior- pointing out she wasn’t a member of the prominent religion and that somehow made her actions make sense.  All of it just made me sick to my stomach.   What angered me the most though- was this idea many people had in their head of my best friend’s worth. Somehow, because of one decision she made in her life, suddenly she wasn’t as good as some of these other people. Somehow, she wasn’t on the same playing field- wasn’t worth the same.

Fast forward a few years- I’m still close friends with that girl and I still love her to pieces. I have met and become friends with many other people in my journeys- some theatre related, some media related, some pageant related, some sports related, some politics related, some volunteer related- the list can go on and on. Each person has their own journey, their own story, their own melody to share with the world. Some of them made similar choices in their life as my best friend did- and you know what? Doesn’t change how I see them or how I treat them at all.  I had one person make kind of a big deal about it- “try not to focus on the math so much.” You know what? It doesn’t matter to me. In my eyes, you don’t lose your self- worth or your self- image because you made that decision. We all make decisions which may not be the wisest.  We all have detours on our journeys which take us places we weren’t expecting.  But last time I checked, it is only those “without sin” who are told they can cast the first stone.   Besides, I’m pretty sure more people have at least thought about if not done some of these “decisions” than would have other people think.  And you know what? It’s really no one else’s business.  It’s between you and God.  Now filter warning= I’m about to say something which may upset some people- so if what I’ve been talking about to this point makes you uncomfortable- you may want to skip the next paragraph.  (Though by doing so- you are kind of helping make my point.)

I honestly don’t think you are any less of a good person, any less of a decent person, any less of child of God- if you lose one of those three “v” before the time you are “supposed” to. And I think you can still have values (one of the three v words) even if you make that “decision.”   You don’t lose your own value in the process.  Some of the best people I know, the strongest people I know, the sweetest people I know, the kindest people I know- made that “decision” before they were married. Some of them still aren’t married at all. And I don’t see them any differently for it. I don’t treat them any differently for it.  Again, who are to judge another when we walk ourselves imperfectly? (Thank you LDS Hymnbook.) And I also think you can be “virtuous, lovely, of good report and praiseworthy”- even if you don’t have your personal “virtue” anymore. (The second “V” word.) Because I like to think of virtue of more than just chastity- it’s also being true to yourself, true to what you believe, true to your own heart. It’s being kindly to others, treating them with respect and love and trying to be the best you can possibly be. If you want to put “morally clean” in that list- you can. But I don’t think people (of either gender) suddenly become these ugly, germ invested vultures when they “lose” their virtue.  I think that image and that idea is part of the reason why the topic is never talked about or discussed. The sense of shame and self-loathing- you are meant to feel like the scum of the earth or some slug who barely has enough sense of self to even lift its slimy head off the sidewalk.

Now- I also know there are steps some have to take in regards to making that “decision” and a process people should follow (if they are of the prominent religion.)  SPOILER ALERT- I have had to take some of those steps myself.  Yet, does that sense of self-loathing go away? Does that sense of “am I still a good person?” go away? Apparently not- if even to this day- I have someone telling me to “not do the math” that closely.  If it was that long ago- it doesn’t even matter now. And even if it was just last week- again-why should we treat people any differently just because they have “sin differently than we have?” and not everyone sees the “decision” as a sin- but stick with me here for a minute.  If you found out- regardless of your spiritual background or belief system- that you’re best friend wasn’t a (third v word) virgin anymore- would that matter to you? Would you treat them differently? Would you look at them differently? Would it bother you? Would it not make any kind of a difference? Would you stop being friends with them? Would you realize your friendship is stronger than anything? What would YOU do?

I’ve been on both sides of this- both with having a best friendtelling me- and with me having to tell my best friend.  And I shudder to think if any of the people I love and care for maybe felt the same way when I told them as I first did when my best friend told me more than 10 years ago. And sadly, I did lose some people in my life when they found out. But you know what? It strengthened in me this idea that maybe value and virtue are more than just “waiting until marriage.” That you can be a good person, you can be a good friend and you can have a good heart and soul even if someone has “known” you.  You can know enough about who you are and what your worth is to know it won’t change- regardless of your “status” in that regard. Do I parade around and shout it from the rooftops? No.  But if someone asks me, I’ll tell them the truth.  I don’t want to be recognized as (insert any offensive adjective for a “girl like that” here)- because I’m not. I don’t want to be criticized for my decision not to wait. It was a personal decision- just like for some of my other friends- it was a personal decision for them. And I don’t want to be ostracized because I made a decision someone else may not have.  Because I don’t want to be treated any differently because of my past- I won’t and will continue to not treat people differently because of theirs.  All of us are human-and ALL of us have great worth in the sight of God, and in the sight of our fellow men.  And in the sight of ourselves- which sometimes is the hardest person to convince.
 

So- now that you know what the three “v” words are- I’ll ask one more time. If someone you know and love told you they didn’t possess one or all three of these- how would you feel? What would you do? For me- I don’t even think about it. My friends are my friends- my family is my family- and I love them all. I hope others can say the same.

questions on love, marriage and the identities we carry into them

The past few weeks allowed me to witness various events and circumstances which showcased different aspects and angles of “love.” I saw history happened before my eyes on October 6. I saw horrific and hideous acts by a person “in love” in a movie on October 7. I saw happiness and holiness from a brand new love on October 11.  And in the days following- I’ve seen my heart and head change their perspectives and reflections on “love.”

Throughout all of this- I keep having various questions pop up regarding who we are as individuals- who we are as a couple- who we are as a family.  These questions can apply to any relationship- whether you are single, married, co-inhabiting, dating, friends, exes, straight, non-straight  or just wondering around the world looking for the next adventure or even conquest.

Who are we- in both the light and the dark? Are we true to who we are regardless of the people we surround ourselves with? Are we true to ourselves regardless of what circumstances we end up in- whether or not by our own choosing? Are we true to ourselves both as we get to know people- and after we “know them like a book?” As we get to know people- do we show them our true selves- or the self we think they want to see? Do we show them our dark sides and our hidden sides or do we keep those things shelved until we perceive they like us- love us- want to be with us? And when that moment comes- do we ever bring those darker sides of ourselves to the surface? And when that same moment arrives- how do we truly decide this person is who we want to be with- not just in a temporal sense but a spiritual sense as well? How do we decide if this person will be the best fit for us? Will be the best ying to our yang? The best person to raise a family with- if that is the common desire? The best person to face life’s challenges with? The best person to cry with- laugh with- fight with-make up with- live with and ultimately die with? And once we decide yes this person is who we want all those things with- what happens when things change? And things WILL change.

What happens when you both lose your jobs or one person is supporting both? Or you both work but are living paycheck to paycheck? Or you lose the lease on your apartment- or the mortgage on your house? Or one person’s car breaks down- or is impounded or gets stolen? What happens when traits and quirks you used to find charming and adorable suddenly become irritating and annoying? What happens when things you used to just laugh about become things you shout and scream about? What happens when ideals and fundamentals you thought you shared turn into uncompromising positions and stand-offs? What happens when prior approved timelines for kids or pets or jobs or school are suddenly turned topsy turvy but other life events?  What happens when you feel you can finally be yourself- only to have the other person find that “real you” unattractive or unattainable or unresponsive or uncaring. But what if it was never the “real you?” What if the whole time you met, courted, dated, married, lived and loved together- you never actually showed your “real side?” Because what if your “real side” is simply the perception society made of who you are supposed to be- who the masses WANT you to be- who you should be made to be?

A lot of questions- but ones I think everyone needs to think about- or just look at during some point in their life. Because often times you hear the expression “you can’t find the right one until you are the right one.” Now- someone extremely close to me who means more to me then the entire world- would say in this instance “there is no such thing as the right one. It doesn’t exist.” And perhaps this person is right. I don’t think there is exactly ONE person who is the perfect fit for us. Or exactly ONE person who would be “right” for us. I think it is possible to be happy with anyone and to have a perfectly happy life with anyone. However- while I don’t believe in “soul mates” in the romantic sense of the word- I do believe the person we choose to marry and spend our lives with- in whatever form- is the person who will make us the “happiest” and will be the “right and perfect” balance for us in that point in our life. And as time goes on- and experiences happen- and life happen- that balance will be tested and tried and stretched to its upmost limit.  And in some cases- again whether by our own choosing or not- that balance will break. The relationship will break. The family will break. The bond will break. The heart and soul will break.  And in some cases-  you are able to find another person who again fits that “balance” for your life- at that point.  And in some cases- the balance strengthens and empowers and weathers everything life throws at it. It becomes a bond so powerful and so meaningful and so strong- nothing can stop it or ever diminish it.  50 years later- a couple can look back and possibly say “yes, there were other people who could have made me happy- there were other people who may have treated me differently= loved me differently.” But- when you look back at your life- at the people in your life- the decisions in your life- the love in your life- would you want to change it? Would you want to have seen it play out differently? Would you wanted to possibly have a family with someone else? Go through all the trials with someone else? Grown into the person you are today with someone else? Been on the journey with someone else?

I watched several couples- many who have waited years- come together for the first time and legally call themselves “husband and husband” or “wife and wife.” Their love and their bond and their commitment lasted through what some would call “hell” and after patience and long suffering and endurance- they received the ultimate expression of loyalty and love to each other. I also watched my brother and now sister express the same loyalty and love to each other- with the additional religious component to add to the joy.  I watched a movie the same week where two people pretended to be someone they weren’t to try and fulfill what they thought the world portrayed as the “perfect marriage.” This lead to both of them hurting the other in physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual ways.  And in the end, after all the drama and pain and anguish and betrayal and manipulation- they still end up together.  

And I also witnessed my own heart- and the feelings and emotions it went through waiting for someone who I love and cherish to come back home.  The feelings of wondering what kind of person I’ve been during the whole process and journey-am I truly being myself or being who I think other people want me to be? Am I loving with everything I have and everything I could ever have- or am I going through the motions and painting a picture of a person who doesn’t truly exist?  Am I treating others in ways which if they were treat me the same- I would feel adored and respected and cherished or simply taken advantage of? Am I choosing the best company to be around or am I simply accepting of specific treatment because it’s always been that way? Do I feel like I am loved the way I “deserve” or the way I’ve earned- or am I loved the way others feel they can love me? Do I love others in the way they “deserve” or the way they have earned it or am I too flippant or casual in my dealings and words?

Again- many questions- many rhetorical questions.  In the end- I saw so much happiness and joy and contentment and fulfillment and optimism and hope the past few weeks. I also witnessed much anger and disappointment and disbelief and confusion and disillusionment.  When it comes to love- they all go together. It’s a matter of finding out what all of both columns you can handle- you can deal with- you can compromise on.  And when you find that out- you’ll know which companion you want to spend your journey with.  Like I said in my FB status earlier- when you find the someone who inspires and desires you, helps you be a better person, makes you feel alive, shows you the joys and beauties of the world and completes you- you’ll know they are the “right person” for you in that moment.  Remember- true love requires compromise, patience, endurance, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, devotion, loyalty, trust, honesty, commitment and unconditional affection.   It takes work- every moment of every day.   There are people who are worth it.  So maybe it’s time to stop asking so many questions- and wondering so many thoughts and worrying so many problems.  Just take a deep breath- and go. J

Friendship

I learned a lot about that word this week. About what it is to be a good friend- and to want good friends around you. I learned about what it means to be a good person- and what it means to want good people in your life. and what the word "good" actually means. 

There is a person in my life- who has changed my life, who has changed me. And there are some who would look at this person and see only what they want to see- what they've been programmed to see or what others tell them to see. They don't stop and listen to what this person has to say, they don't stop and listen to where this person came from, they don't stop and listen to why this person became who they are. They only care about what this person may or may not have done in the past- about who they THINK this person is. And how many times do we do that as human beings? Do we look at someone, judge someone, perceive someone based on what others have said about them, what others have thought about them? How many times do we swallow our own pride, our own prejudices and see people as they REALLY are- not as we hope they are and not even as we think they are?


And then, do we ever stop and think about what those perceptions and those attitudes would do to those people we judge, those people we don't give second or third chances to. Do we ever stop and wonder about what our actions and our words do to others? How it might change how they see themselves, how they view themselves? That perhaps by us thinking they are a certain way, they might just start believing that's who they are- and so they will start talking differently, or acting differently, or seeing themselves differently? They might start thinking perhaps there is something wrong with them, or perhaps they aren't as good a person as they thought- or perhaps- and this is the heartbreaking part- perhaps they are just unlovable. 


And for what? Because one or two or a group of people think a certain person has never changed- or is inherently bad- or they automatically put them into a category based off a story- or an experience- or one mistake. That because of that one moment- this person is suddenly a disgrace, a mistake, a villian. Guess what world- everyone makes mistakes. Some are bigger than others. But no one is perfect. If we were- there wouldn't be any reason for us to be here. What would you do if for every mistake you made- you lost a friend? Or someone took a bad decision you  made and used it to form their opinions of you for the rest of your life? Or they took a difficult time in your life and thought because of how you reacted during that difficult time, that must mean you are that way ALL of the time? Or for every mistake you made- someone decided it was one mistake too many and they cut you from their life? Which is really hypocritical since- like I said before- we all make mistakes. Or what if you were trying to do something you thought was right- trying to stand up for those you love- those you care about- and someone took it the wrong way- and then held that against you and treated you differently because of it? They resent you for again- what they THINK- you did to them and their life. But of course- they won't ever tell you they resent you. They won't ever tell you what they think- they will continue being nice to your face, happy to see you, happy you are a part of their life. 


Then we have the other kind of hypocrite- who will judge you for a mistake you made- which may be on a slightly larger scale then a mistake they made- but of course you are the terrible person since you were the one who got caught- or worse yet- you are the one who can actually admit that you make mistakes to begin with. They too are nice to your face- saying all the things you think you want to hear. Acting like the friend you thought they were- the friend you've tried for so long to be. The kind of friend who is there no matter what, no judgments, no tensions, no punishments. The kind of friend who listens to all your stories, loves you for who you are and trusts you, relies on you, celebrates you. Now granted, I shouldn't be too harsh on this group of people. Didn't I say earlier that we shouldn't base our impressions on people off one decision, one moment in their life when they might not have acted or treated or said things in the wisest way? however- if they are willing to look at me differently, or treat me differently because of that one moment- or worse- see one of my best friends that way and choose to cut THEM out of their lives- why should I still be friends with them? or at least- the same kind of friends we were before that one mistake happened? 


Yet- that goes back to where I started. How we don't always think about how we treat others is going to determine how they see themselves. I have seen firsthand though what mis-perceptions can do to people- and I've also seen firsthand what kind of friends I want to have- and what kind of friend I want to be. And from here on out- I stand with my "safe places." THOSE are the friends I'll fight for- and I'll let them fight for me.  

what thinks Christ of me?

tough question. though sometimes a tougher questions is- what do we think of ourselves?

isn't it true that the adversary often will make us believe we are past saving? we are past hope? we've done so many terrible things in our lives that it's no use going back- or making amends- or starting over? similar to yoda's warning to Luke Skywalker "once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny...."

not true.

no man, woman or child is so far gone, so far off the path that they can't find their way back home. back to those who love them and who have prayed for them night after night. back to those who don't judge or look down or criticize. because as we learned today in conference- we all sin. we just have different ones than the neighbor down the street. we also were reminded even the smallest twig of faith can sometimes be enough. and even the strongest tree still can use a little polish.

Miracles do happen- though sometimes not immediately. and sometimes not in the ways we originally expected or imagined. some are so small- we might miss them. some are so lifechanging- it may frighten us when we actually see it, realize it, accept it. For i feel miracles are similar to other blessings in our life- if we don't acknowledge where they came from, they can be taken away. The scriptures tell us that is one moment when our Father and his Son grow weary of mankind- when they do not give celestial credit where it is due.

Bad things happen to good people. It isn't because God is viscious or malicious. It isn't because he is merciless or loveless. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle. And while we often times question our own strength- and question just how much we can handle- he gives us the tools and the skills we need to succeed. Even if it's another person or thing which helps carry the burden for us. Or even if it's just an open heart to allow him to call the shots.

I'll be honest. My heart and my head haven't been on the same page lately. My heart is still reeling from my last relationship/friendship- whatever you would call it. A Charles Dickens moment- the best and worst year and a half of my life. i don't regret any of it. however, i feel like a different person now. jaded. weary. defensive. beaten. heartbroken. weak. my view of myself is completely altered. i wonder how i could be so sure of something- just to watch it crumble around me and throw me into a fiery pit. crash and burn is the understatement of the century.

Yet, even with a tangled and discombulated view of myself- something tells me Christ's and Heavenly Father's view of me hasn't changed. He's been there for all of it. He's watched us through all of it. There were moments they were proud and moments when they were disappointed. But their love and peace were constantly with us- for every step and every misstep. Even now, as i learn the healing is going to take a lot longer than I thought- I know they won't leave me. They won't desert me. They won't abandon me. Are there things which need to change? yes. are there things i need to work on and improve? yes. are there things i need to sacrifice? yes. will it take time? yes. (patience and i do NOT get along.)

Through time though- i can see the angels they placed in my life to help me through it. i can see the outreached hands which are there to guide and direct me. which can hold me up as i fall to the ground in tears. which can walk with me through the smoke and flames. which can point me toward the star in the heaven and remind me how to wish, to dream, to live, to love. which can pray with me and raise their voice when mine is too far gone. which can carry me when i just can't move any further.

my heart won't be open or available anytime soon. those who know the story will understand this. yet it's comforting to remember there is one in my life who knows exactly how i'm feeling- because he felt it himself. he loved me enough- he LOVES me enough to feel that- and every other pain, affliction and grievance. he loves me enough to suffer for me. to suffer for both of us.

i have a lot to live up to.

love

for most of my close friends- they will simply laugh and shake their heads at my next statement.

i've been in love before. i've fallen in love before. I've loved before. usually when i give my heart to someone it's completely and it usually takes hell or high water to steer me from that course. and i usually fall to a million pieces when hell comes crashing down. then after a LONG recovery process- i tentatively step back into the ring again. Usually I'm bruised, battered and bleeding- but i take a deep breath and then plunge. Better to have loved and lost, right?

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Whoever thought of that obviously never loved anyone. Whoever wrote that obviously never lost anyone. They don't know how breathless you feel when you look at them. How your entire body starts shaking just by thinking of them. how you smile when you hear their voice. how you warm inside by looking in their eyes. how your life is better just by knowing them. how your heart skips a beat when you hear them say your name. how joy fills the room when you hear them laugh. how nothing is better than the feeling of being in their arms. how you can tell the world to them, and never run out of things to talk about. how the safest place in the world is in their world, their peace, their soul. how home is them. They don't know how it feels to have that home ripped apart. how you can't breathe when they leave. how you can't function without their voice in your head. how you can't stand without them to hold you. how you can't smile without their smile. how you can't live your life without them. how everything you once loved, you once leaned on is gone. The light, the warmth, the joy, the love- dead at your feet.

Some would say it's better to never feel, to never put yourself out there so then you never get hurt. There is some validity in that. I wouldn't have cried half the tears I've cried over the years, or had my heart broken so many times if I hadn't risked so much to get there. But then who would I be? where would I be? what would i be? The twists and turns of life are the paths we have to follow to get us where we are. As Rascal Flatts say "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you." and it was broken- many times. There were days I didn't think I a- ever put the pieces back together or b-find all the pieces at all. But here I am. And up until recently, I was pretty happy with the stitched reflection staring back at me.

Now the winds of change have viciously ripped and tore at me until all my pieces are back on the floor- scattered and shattered into a million pieces. and the glue i would need to put them back together- i already used on up on someone else. SOmeone who needed it much more than I did. Someone who needed my support and my trust and my love. Someone who needed to be put back together and held together to face the many storms still to come. I knew that was where i needed to be. I knew that was what I needed to do. what kind of friend/person would I be if I hadn't? but now you wonder- what is left for me? When I need to be put back together- will there be anything left? and now that they're "okay"- do they even need me anymore? I need them in order to breathe, to face each day, to get out of bed. But do I even register in their mind or heart anymore? or after I serve my purpose, do I get thrown on the bottom of the pile- only to pulled out again in dire straights? but what kind of condition will I be in at that point? When I spent every moment hoping and praying to get out from the bottom.

perhaps it is better to never love- then you never lose. but you lose out on all the wonderful, beautiful parts of it all. Parts that I wouldn't trade for anything. Parts that are now the best memories of my life. Parts that I hold on to because right now, that's all I have left. Parts which are hanging on my a thread. I don't have enough glue to keep them together for very much longer. Then once they're broken- there's no going back. Once I'm broken- I'm lost.

I'm lost now- lost in your eyes, lost in your smile, lost in your touch, lost in you. And without those eyes, that smile, that touch, that voice- I'm lost. and once i lose it all- i lose life. only have so many days left- I don't want to lose another moment. letting you go will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. and I honestly don't think i have the strength to do it. this heart just isn't strong enough. i can't lose you again.......i'd be broken beyond repair. all thanks to love.

by this point, my close friends will just shake their heads and look away. it isn't better to have loved and lost. because once you lose it, nothing gets better. it's not getting better. you haven't even left yet and I'm dying. i'm losing. i'm breaking apart. but i wouldn't have changed a thing.

first major photo shoot

All credit goes to Ceci Anderson- my old boss and one of my good friends- she is an amazing photographer and an incredible person.... so THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!